One of my brothers has a wacky way of making a joke exactly when it's needed.
His timing and dry delivery are impeccable. Just when the situation is starting to get either too serious or is totally out of hand, I can always depend on my brother to throw an exclamation point into the conversation.
It's not an easy thing to do. There's a fine line between funny and unfunny and once you cross over into unfunny, it's hard to undo and recover your mojo.
I've delivered some whoppers that have crashed on delivery but I don't try to cover it up by saying, "I'm only joking." Usually when someone says that to me I know they are not really joking. They're usually trying to tell me something by making it seem as if it's a joke. NOT!
If I fall flat on my face, I try to own it immediately. It's really the only way to go.
But the point is, making a joke gets me and maybe you through some rough times.
And humor also get writer Veronica Chambers through some life-changing moments with her husband. As Chambers says, "I promise to laugh with my husband -- in sickness, in health, and everything in between."
Here's a short piece Veronica Chambers wrote for the February 2013 issue of O magazine that I think shows how humor diffuses those tense and scary moments and puts life in perspective:
There's A Joke In There Somewhere By Veronica Chambers O Magazine/February 2013
Five years ago, I had an awful, soul-sucking year: During the birth of my child, my body went into organ failure, to the point where the doctors told my husband, Jason, I had begun to die.
Then my daughter, who was born weighing less than two pounds, spent three months in the hospital fighting for her life. Then, just 14 weeks after we brought her home, my youngest brother, who was 28, died in a car accident, a crash that ended with an explosion so total there was nothing left to bury.
After his funeral, I drove to the Himalayan Institute in Pennsylvania for a three-day Ayurvedic retreat meant to bring things back into balance. Thanks to 72 hours of vegetarian meals, yoga classes and sessions with a holistic doctor, I returned home hopeful.
But less than two weeks later, a chaplain from my local hospital called to inform me that my husband had been the victim of a hit-and-run. "Are you f--ing kidding me," I shrieked.
At the hospital, when I saw his face, so bruised it was almost unrecognizable, I realized there was no right way to absorb this kind of pain. My life had become a cruel joke.
And yet. When Jason came home, he immediately began cracking wise. And that set the tone for how we regarded his situation: with levity and something like grace.
Him: "My arm hurts. Take your top off -- it's the only thing that will help."
Me: "You got hit in a crosswalk at 7 A.M.? Dude, I think God smited you."
When a stranger asked how he broke his arm, he said: "Arm wrestling with my mother-in-law. I won."
We laughed every day, and despite all that we had endured, I was happy. I won't go so far as to say that his being run over was a gift. I will say that the accident reminded me how remarkable humor can be.
My husband's laughter is like medicine. When times get tough, he finds the funny -- and I just lean in for the joke.
They say that sharing is caring and I care so much about my readers that when I read the below post yesterday from the Bereaved Partners Support Group (@BereavedPartner on Twitter), I couldn't wait to share it with you.
So many things in this article resonated with me: especially the idea of stepping into your fears and working through them to find something new in your changed life.
Healing and recovery happen. It may not feel as though this natural process is happening to you but it is. You must believe in a new way of life and even a new point of view.
It doesn't mean that you won't miss your loved one. You will. But it will not feel as raw as it did in the beginning. I can't tell you how many people would tell me that my husband would not want me to live my life in a sad way; in a way of constantly feeling pain. I knew they were right but I didn't feel that way. I wasn't in that place yet. And then one day it did make sense to me and I did realize that it was okay to enjoy my life.
It is okay to buy some beautiful flowers. It is okay to go out and laugh with friends. It is okay to open myself up to new opportunities.
Please read the below story. I love it because it is so hopeful!!
Awakening
One of our group attendees passed on this passage to us to share with others. We encourage you to read it. It is eye-opening, grounding and beautiful…
BPSG Team
Awakening
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out… ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realise it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realise that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-resilience.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the out-dated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, its not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is a temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our souls. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I know this picture is a bit on the grainy side, but I really liked the sentiment of the saying:
"It's your road, and yours alone.
Others may walk it with you, But no one can walk it for you."
It would be nice if someone could take our place and walk on our road for awhile; perhaps making it less painful.
Wouldn't that be nice?
But we don't know where our road is going to take us, do we? I believe that my road has been painful but it also has been a road full of love, laughter and many other blessings.
I'm excited to see what may be down the road for me this year!!
I'd love to hear from you about your road and what it had brought you and what you hope it brings you this year!!
May you and your loved ones have a very Merry Christmas!
The holiday season may remind you of a special person who is no longer with you just as I am reminded of my husband who died nine years ago. Our lives have been forever changed and so have we.
But there is always hope for a renewed future; a future that we can purposely rebuild so that we may move forward. You are not alone.
We bring our loved ones with us as we slowly figure out our new lives and as we do, we find ourselves remembering them with the healing powers of smiles and tears.
Thank you for reading Cry, Laugh, Heal and may you find peace and happiness in your journey.
Laughter really and truly is the best medicine and my prescription for you on this wintery Wednesday is the following hysterical "letter" from a ficititous grandmother that was published in a community newsletter.
Traffic in the DMV (District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia metro area) is notoriously horrendous and after hearing the driving stories on the news and from friends who traveled by car over the Thanksgiving holiday, this story had me laughing out loud and nothing is better for dissolving stress and anxiety than a good laugh.
As a note, someone wrote this "letter" to be funny; please don't think I'm making fun of an elderly person because this "letter" could be about a driver of any age.
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk! If you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy! Am I glad I did! What an uplifiting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the man behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheeleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must be a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenaged grandson, who was in the back seat, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian 'good luck' sign or something. Well, I never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the 'good luck' sign right back! My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light changed, again.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed down the car, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian 'good luck' sign one last time as I drove away.
Visiting people who are sick is one of the kindest acts we can ever practice. Sitting and talking, holding their hand and listening seem so simple to the healthy but those things are so essential in helping the ill know that they matter, that they are not forgotten even though they are no longer able to independently move around.
Bringing about a smile or laughter through a funny story is just as important as any medicine prescribed by a doctor. Laughter, in particular, is a powerful distraction from pain and illness.
One of my sisters and her husband are compassionately taking care of his elderly parents. Both parents have been diagnosed with advanced stages of cancer and my sister and her husband are trying to make this time with them as comfortable as possible.
My sister's in-laws live in the same retirement community as our parents and while visiting with our parents this past weekend, my sister said it would be great if I could also stop by and also see her in-laws. I did pop by for a visit with only her mother-in-law because her father-in-law was resting. But the time spent catching up with her mother-in-law was unexpectedly funny.
I must admit I was a little anxious about visiting her mother-in-law because I didn't know if she was in a lot of pain or if she was even aware of her surroundings but she surprised me.
But during my visit I found a talented woman who had raised three children and was diagnosed with advanced cancer less than a year ago sitting in her family room making jokes about herself and her children, talking in an accent to make some of her stories more amusing and thoroughly enjoying herself. It was wonderful to see that she still wanted to know what was going on in everyone's lives and having such a positive attitude about life.
While we watched the Ryder Cup on television and she made comments about the golfers, there was no negativity about her or her husband's medical situation. She was living the moment and enjoying her time with the people around her.
I know that she is not always in such great spirits or health as she was during my visit but she takes advantage of when she feels good. It can be difficult to see people when they are ill and it may be something we would rather not do but if we were ill wouldn't we want people to come and socialize with us? Wouldn't we want people to care about us?
The visit reminded me that even though I may feel awkward around someone who is ill it shouldn't stop me from trying to comfort someone else. Life is about giving of yourself and lending a helping hand.
The amazing thing about grieving is that it blows all the unimportant stuff right out of the water.
It immediately rearranged my priorities and what I once thought was important wasn't anymore. New stuff appeared at the top of my priorities list after my loss. Things I thought were important suddenly didn't matter, and other things I didn't seem to have time for before, I now made time to do.
Life dramatically changed, life tragically changed and everything mixed together and changed its order. Life re-shuffled. I now have a different perspective on life because I saw how quickly life can turn itself around and how you shouldn't take anything for granted. Instead, I know that I need to grab life and go for it!
When life deals you a blow, your first reaction is to withdraw and protect yourself. You want to crawl under the covers, lock the doors and wait for the bad stuff to go away all on its own. But guess what? That doesn't work.
In fact, denial can sometimes make a situation a whole helluva lot worse. I think it gets worse because ignoring a situation allows your thoughts and feelings to build up and build up instead of working through the pain. I know it's scary but think of working through your grief pain like pulling off a band-aid. Doesn't it hurt more when you pull the band-aid off slowly?
For me, this is where the joking comes in. I tend to make jokes when I get overwhelmed by life because it's a great coping mechanism, tension breaker and it allows me to find joy when there doesn't seem to be any.
I know that's not always the most effective way to deal with a situation, but cracking a joke can make something more manageable and it brings the situation into perspective; as in maybe the situation's not as serious as others think it is.
If I cook something and it doesn't taste right, I try to correct it and if it still doesn't taste right, then I let it go. If my child comes home with a bad haircut, I'm annoyed, but then I say, "It's only hair" and then I try to let it go. Okay, so the grass didn't get mowed today. I will get to it. But I really try not to obsess anymore. Are these truly the most important things in life? Ten years from is anyone going to care? I don't think so.
Sometimes you have to re-shuffle your priorities.
Be open to spontaneity...Be in the moment...Especially today.
Hi Everyone!! Cry, Laugh, Heal is a place where the sad, silly and satisfying aspects of grief and resilience are explored. Everyone is welcome to join in and share their experiences about loss and trying to get back into the groove of living life.
Through the process of sharing, we know we are not alone.
It may feel as though it is only happening to you, but then when you reach out to others you find that what is happening to you has also happened to others, and they can relate to your situation. Often, they can share how they handled the unexpected emotions of bereavement and possibly, that might work for you. Or it might not. But we never know until we try. It's still a journey, a process of opening up, sharing and hopefully, healing and becoming more resilient.
We're all in this together so let's see if we can offer each other support!
You can make suggestions or leave comments on the Cry, Laugh, Heal Facebook page, on the blog post itself, or through email at crylaughheal@gmail.com. You can also find us on Twitter @crylaughheal.
When was the last time you had a really good laugh?
I'm talking about the kind of laughter that comes from way down deep; when you can't catch your breath or you accidentally spit out whatever you are eating or drinking because you can't contain the laughter anymore and you have to let it out. Spontaneous, out loud laughter that is contagious and blows the stress out of your system. That's what I'm talking about.
Doctors say laughter is great for your health because it reduces stress and strengthens your immune system....and who cares whether you have health insurance or not because you don't need a prescription for laughter!
Having a sense of humor is so important because it brings lightness and wit into your life. It's as if you are pushing all of the incredibly serious, headache-producing, adult matters happening in your life off a cliff called "HAD ENOUGH" and you are momentarily free. I know it's hard because I have to constantly remind myself but instead of focusing on the negative aspects of a situation, try to see the lighter side. You can always share a story with a friend or officemate about something embarrassing you did or imitate yourself to your friends; that's sure to get a laugh! I do it a lot because there's always an unending number of ridiculous things I do every day. You gotta laugh!
Don't worry, it's okay to laugh when you are in the midst of grieving. Humor is healing. At first, you're going to feel really uncomfortable about smiling or laughing, as though you are doing something awful or sacriligious. You'll probably be thinking that you shouldn't be having a good time because someone you loved very much just died and people will think their death didn't mean anything to you if they see you smiling or laughing. Not true. If your mood is serious and thoughtful then go with it, but if a funny memory pops into your head then enjoy that too.
Remembering the funny things your loved one said or did is one of the many ways we can honor the memory of those we loved and cared about. It keeps them close and alive in our hearts. Your laughter may lead to tears but that's okay too. It's your journey and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
One of the stories that my family likes to share about my husband has to do with his devotion to the NY Giants. My husband LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the NY Giants. You would have thought it was his very own football team. When the Giants earned the right to go to the Super Bowl in 1991, my brothers and brothers-in-law (who are all diehard Redskins fans) bought my husband a lamp that had a Giants football helmit on its base as a celebration gift. He thought it was beautiful! However, when the Redskins went to the Super Bowl in 1992, my husband didn't get anything for any of them. There was absolutely no reciprosity. "Aren't you going to buy them a Super Bowl present?," I asked him. Without hesitation, he said, "No way. I am not spending one cent of my money on anything that is burgandy and gold."
What are your stories? We're all in this together, so thanks for sharing :)!
