Alicia Keys -- Listen To Your Heart

My new thing is to listen to Alicia Key's "Girl On Fire" CD on my way to work.

 

Alicia Keys is amazing!  I have loved her music from the first time I heard her groundbreaking song, "Fallin",  on the radio about 10 years ago.  I didn't know who she was but I googled and youtubed until I found out.  I have been lucky enough to see her perform live twice and that is the best!! 

 

 

Alicia Keys "Girl On Fire" CD

 

She has a beautiful, smooth, soulful voice, is an incredible songwriter and her music pulls you into some kind of a powerful healing zone.

 

Listening to all kinds of music brings about little miracles every day.  It brings people joy, empowers them to think positively, connects them to memories and can also offer relief from pain.

 

We are all on a journey, and as Alicia Keys says, there are people out there telling us what they think is right or what is wrong, but if we listen to our hearts we will know for ourselves which way to go.

 

Let's take the time to mellow out a bit on the last day of the work week. 

 

Please click on this link and listen to Alicia Keys sing song number four on her "Girl On Fire" CD, "Listen to Your Heart":

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4BHZnOEGvI

Crying & Healing

This post is for anyone, and in particular someone who is close to me, who is currently going through an anxious time in their life and is unsure how it will turn out.

Anxiety may be dogging you and causing sleepless nights, loss of appetite, an increase in appetite, a need to abuse alcohol or drugs (please don't!!!!), crankiness or sadness and crying.  As in crying constantly.  Like every day.  At any time.

This person close to me was talking recently about how crying really does make her feel better but she's also aware that it doesn't make others around feel better.  Crying is normal and is a healthy release from sadness, tension, frustration or anger about a particularly stressful situation.



But even though crying is normal, it scares alot of people; both men and women.  I have seen people who can handle incredible amounts of stress or pressure or work completely mishandle a situation when they see someone cry in public.  They either just stand there fumbling through words that they hope will make some kind of sense or they find a reason to excuse themselves and walk away.

Hello?????  Really??????  All the person needs is a comforting gesture.  Let's exercise our human natures and try to connect with one another.  A hug or holding a person's hand or putting an arm around their shoulder would be wonderful place to start.  Just keep telling yourself that it's not about how uncomfortable you feel.  It's really about helping the other person who is obviously in some kind of distress and is falling apart in front of you.

Many years ago, I would cry all the time.  I didn't plan it.  And I didn't do it on purpose.  I would just feel an overwhelming sadness and then the tears would start to well up and I couldn't stop myself.  I had no control over my feelings at all.  At the time, I was grieving over the loss of my husband, for our life together and for our life as a family with a young child.  I really did try to keep it together but for about a year I cried a lot.

I didn't even care where I was when I cried.  I didn't even care how other people reacted to my crying.  I was so beyond worrying about how I looked when I cried.  Sometimes I would do "The Ugly Cry," as Oprah calls it, which is full out face crying with your face twisted and red and your mouth wide open and then other times I would find myself sitting quietly and the tears would roll down my face.

I did scare myself once with my crying.  Once, when I was at the cemetary early in the morning during the work week when no one was there, I was kneeling on the ground and talking to my husband at the same time.  I was full of emotion and frustration and anxiety and I cried so hard that I got a nose bleed.  That was bad!

 

I was at a particularly low point in my life and never in a million years would I ever wish that absolute down-in-the-gutter feeling of loneliness on anyone.  God bless you if you happen to be in that place right now.  I am sorry for what you are going through righ now and I am sending you a hug and a message of strength so you know you are not alone and that there is always hope.

 

I know it doesn't feel like there is any hope right right now.  The person close to me doesn't feel it either.  But there is hope and I know it is within you.

 

Let it burn within you and please allow yourself to feel your inner strength and always believe in your ability to build on it.

 

It's okay, in fact it's necessary to give yourself permission to cry, for your tears are a comfort and a sign you are processing your anxious feelings.  Releasing your tears may help you sort out your feelings but they will never extinguish your beautiful inner spirit or your power to renew your life.

 

Monkey Bars

Yesterday I wrote about one small aspect of holding on to a deceased loved one's material things for a long time.  It's a rather large emotional minefield of an issue but if you ride along with me for a bit more today maybe we can make some progress together and get on with it.

 

Let's be real:  nobody wants to hurt and nobody wants to feel pain.  It's in our DNA to try and protect ourselves and so we naturally want to run away from pain and suffering; even sometimes to deny its existence.  I think this is one of the main reasons why painful issues hang around for so long and aren't resolved quickly.  They just plain hurt.

Unfortunately, I know this for sure:  you are only delaying the inevitable.  At some point, you're going to have to feel the hurt and pain to get to the other side which actually can be very freeing.  This time around for me, it was a jar of Ovaltine, but it could be anything the next time: a possession, a feeling, a person or even a situation.

I think it's almost similiar to that feeling you may have had as a child while working your way across the metal monkey bars on the school playground.  You notice I said metal.  I'm old enough that those playground structures like monkey bars were made of metal so when you put your hands on them they were either blistering cold in the winter or burning hot in the summer.

 

 

While hanging from the bars and trying to swing my body back and forth, I knew I was in safe territory as I slowly but surely moved forward to the other side.  It was familiar and all I wanted to do was reach the other side and let go.  And then there were those times when I would miscalculate and I would get tired and be hanging somewhere in the middle.  "Oh no," I would think, "I'm almost over to the other side.  I don't want to drop and fall to the ground."  The ground seemed so far away and I didn't want to release my hands from the bars as much as my arms and hands might hurt.  I wanted to stay on the bars.

 

It's the same with being hooked on a comforting feeling that a possession, a person or a situation can give you.  You've convinced yourself that everything will be okay if you have that possession, person or are in that set of circumstances.  It helps you ride through the pain, at least for awhile. 

 

For me, pieces of paper with my husband's writing on it were comforting.  It didn't matter what he had written.  It was just the quick glance at his distinctive handwriting that would make me feel better, as though he had just handed them to me.  I would fold them and put them in my purse, pin them on the bulletin board behind my computer at home and generally just leave them lying around. 

 

Then one day, and I would say it took about a year for me to feel this way, I started to actually read the papers and really look at them and I realized that keeping all these papers was getting to be messy; that keeping one or two significant handwritten notes was enough and I could toss the rest in the trash.  The papers were getting in the way of moving forward.

 

The process of learning to let go happens at a different pace for all of us.  Sometimes we move quickly through anger or frustration and slowly through anxiety or it can be the other way around for another person.  We are all different in our ways of handling and expressing grief.

 

Just as we work our way across the monkey bars one by one, we work our way slowly but surely through the grief process, step by step, beginning to heal and feeling oh so much stronger as we reach the other side.

Parents Are Human Too

While celebrating my son's birthday recently, he asked me once again what it was like the day he was born.

 

I think every child likes to reminisce about the day of their birth and what everyone was doing as they were arriving into the world.  His questions about how long I was in labor, what was happening in the hospital and what Daddy was doing were expected.

 

But that conversation evolved into a bittersweet conversation about his Dad and some of the frustrating health issues he had before his death.  His Dad (my husband) was diabetic and injected insulin.  He was not overweight.  He developed diabetes later in life and controlled his diabetes with pills for a number of years but then was hospitalized with acute pneumonia which caused his sugar levels to go out of control.  Injecting insulin was the only way the doctors could stabilize his sugar count.

 

Too put it mildly, diabetes and my husband were not a good match at all.  I know of two people who are diabetic and both inject insulin.  They are religious about checking their blood sugar, eating well and exercising on a regular basis.  These were not things my husband did on a regular basis or even wanted to do daily.

 

His pills would sit on the table, he would go for hours without testing his blood sugar, he would eat desserts and he would drink alcohol.  Don't get me wrong.  I loved my husband desperately but there were times when I felt I was fighting harder for his health than he was.  I will give him credit for the efforts that he did make for short periods of time when he would try to change his habits but then it would become too much and he would let it all slide again.

 

 

Our son remembers the arguments about diet and exercise and medicine and I know that this created anxiety.  I don't particularly enjoy answering these questions from my son but I'm also not going to hide the truth from him and run away from the reality of our situation.  Going back in our memories to those times is painful and we truly tried to make things easier for him because we knew he was sick but in the end it wasn't enough.

 

It is very hard to explain to a child that their parent is not all that they think they are or want them to be.  You want to think and talk only about the good times but that's not life.  We have to learn to take the good with the bad. 

We're all human.  We make mistakes.  Our hearts are in the right place and so are our intentions but we don't always carry through on our goals.  I've had my share of screw-ups but I'm still here so my son can argue with me when he is annoyed or angry at something I've done.  His Dad isn't here and he can't talk to him or confront him with his issues and that creates pain and sometimes anger.

Give yourself and others permission to feel and talk about these conflicted emotions.  In the end, I think it's okay to love someone but still be angry at them for some of the choices they made while they were with you. 

It's their actions that we don't like because our love for the person is still there.  Always.

Special Birthday Wishes

Twenty three years ago today, my magical son was born!

From the bottom of my heart I couldn't love you more!!  You are a joy and a wonder and watching you grow into a young man is and always will be exciting.

I know this past year has been a challenge for you but you have never been one to run away from difficult situations and I know that this coming year holds some good, solid, life-changing news for you!!  I don't know what the good news will be, but I sense it will be delivered to you this year just as sure as I know that you are a special guy!

I am so proud of you and how far you have traveled on your life's journey.  Continue to be true to yourself and follow your passions and you will never stray from making your heart happy!

 

Happy birthday and best wishes always to you my beloved son for many, many more!!

To close out this loving birthday post, here's a special rockin' greeting to you from The Beatles:

 

Over You -- Miranda Lambert

 

Miranda Lambert

 

We like to think that the people we love will remain with us forever.

 

No one wants to think of a time or be faced with a time when a loved one gets sick, is in an accident or worse and will no longer be here. 

 

But unfortunately, sadly and even tragically, life does not work the way we want, as hard as we always try to will it to work our way.

 

The reason why I am drawn to the haunting song, "Over You," sung here by award-winning country music singer Miranda Lambert, who also co-wrote this song with her husband, Blake Shelton, is the line, "But you went away.  How dare you?  I miss you."

 

I don't care how many stages of grief you go through and which way you go through them, those words are universal in their sentiment.  I don't think of the words in an angry way; just more of a human plea to the person to come back because it's lonely without them.

 

 

Back to Kindergarten

My Dad is the kind of guy who is constantly ripping and cutting articles out of newspapers and magazines and mailing them to people he thinks will appreciate what he has found.  It drives my Mom crazy that he does this before she has even had a chance to read the paper or the magazine.  But after 60 years of marriage, my father continues to clip away in his own little world.

 

 

When I saw my Dad this past weekend for Father's Day, he had a column that he had recently cut from a newsletter and he handed it to me and said, "I know you think you're too old to be told anything, but I thought you would enjoy this column.  You've probably already read it but it's the kind of thing that everyone needs to be reminded about.  Just think about it."

I did think about it and my Dad was right.  This column below is a good basic reminder about how to navigate the ups and downs of that magical ride we call life.  For anyone who is sad, confused or frustrated about what is going on in their life right now, this column, which was written almost 25 years ago, may help you reset yourself and start again with a fresh outlook: 

 

All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

By Robert Fulghum

 

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.  These are the things I learned:

 

-- Share everything.

-- Play fair.

-- Don't hit people.

-- Clean up your own mess.

-- Don't take things that aren't yours.

-- Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

-- Wash your hands before you eat.

-- Flush.

-- Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

-- Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some

-- Take a nap every afternoon.

-- When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

-- Be aware of wonder.  Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why but we are all like that.

-- Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even little seeds in the styrofoam cup--they all die.  So do we.

-- And remember the Dick-and-Jane boks and the first word you learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.

 

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and the love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

 

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it inoto sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm.  Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk bout three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.  Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

 

And it is still true -- no matter how old you are -- when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

 

 

 

Live and Let Live

 

 

Street Sense is a small newspaper which is sold on the streets of Washington, DC by men and women who are working their way out of being homeless.  Some, but not all of the people selling the newspaper, have been to rehabilitation for drugs or alcohol.

 

These are people working hard to develop resilience in themselves, to bounce back from hard times, and put themselves out there once again to start once again to rebuild their lives.  To me, they are all about the spirit of hope.

 

The Street Sense vendors are always friendly and easy to talk to.  They easily share their stories and are always optimistic.  And some of them also write for the paper.

 

In the paper's latest edition, the following short story inspired me about life and the nature of healing and I thought I would share it with you as we begin a new work week.  There's some wisdom in this story below for all of us.

 

 

Live and Let Live

By Phillip Black

Street Sense Vendor

 

When we live and let live, we learn so much from each other.  I've learned that when it comes to hard times and tough situations, most people seem to handle the presure.  And sometimes it makes our lives stronger.  Live and let live.

 

What I mean most about live and let live is that people live their lives, and most people don't understand why other people do the things we do.  You have to consider other people, because what you do or what I do doesn't make it right.  When we live, we must be the best we can be, so others will follow.

 

Two months ago, a good friend of mine's mom passed away.  I couldn't attend the funeral, but went to the repass.  What I saw was very surprising.  They were partying, dancing and laughing.  I asked hin, "What are you doing?  Didn't your mom pass away?"  He said, "Yes, but this is what she wanted."  She didn't want us to mourn her death.  She wanted us to celebrate it.  And that's just what they did.  Wow, live and let live.

 

I also know two people who were neighbors for years, and they would never say hello or speak to each other.  One day, when she saw that someone was breaking inot the other's house, she called the police.  The person was arrested, and everything was ok.  Now they're the best of friends.  It took something bad to happen for them to become friends.  Live and let live.

 

Living and watching other people live helps us.  The same person we don't speak to is the person that drives the school bus that takes our children to and from school.  Live and let live.

 

The same job my uncle wouldn't take, someone else did.  And now he's mad at that person for taking the job that he didn't want.  It took awhile for my uncle to come around.  So I said to him, some people learn faster than others.  You have to live and learn at your own pace.  That way you won't be upset when someone moves ahead of you.  Live and let live.

 

My sister gets upset with me because she said I don't come around anymore.  And so I told her, you're still selling drugs.  That's why I don't come around anymore.  My sister had a pretty rough time in her life.  She always surrounded herself with people who made bad choices.  But now, things are changing for her.  It's not going to happen overnight.  But it's a start.  Live and let live.

 

Understanding living is living.  And we have to live and let live.  And when we do this, our everyday lives will be so much better.  To all my friends on 11th and F streets, and my friends at Eastern Market, live and let live.