Ted Olson On Loss & Love

There is no single path on the road to healing and resilience.  Different people take different steps, drawing on their own strengths and what works best for them.  Here is one person's chosen path.... 

Ted Olson on loss and love

 in the decade since 9/11

By Roxanne Roberts and Amy Argetsinger

The Washington Post

9/12/11

 

Ted Olson in his office at Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher last year. (Jahi Chikwendiu/ The Washington Post)

Ted Olson spent his 71st birthday Sunday at his family’s lakeside property in Northern Wisconsin. He was invited to ceremonies marking the anniversary of 9/11 but, after careful consideration, decided not to attend.

“I had to balance between my feeling that I should be at the Pentagon and participate in these public events of memory and remembrance,” he told us Friday. “On the other hand, I also felt it’s so powerfully overwhelming that the best thing I could do is to celebrate my birthday, remember Barbara’s death and celebrate the remainder of our lives with family members away from Washington, D.C.”

Ten years ago, Olson became the most famous person in D.C. to lose a loved one in the terrorist attacks: His wife, conservative commentator Barbara Olson, was on American Airlines Flight 77 when it crashed into the Pentagon. She had delayed a trip to California so she could be in town for his birthday dinner the night before.

Barbara Olson during an appearance on “Larry King Live.” (Ho/Reuters)

Olson had recently been confirmed as the Bush administration’s top lawyer — solicitor general of the United States — and was nationally known as the man who successfully argued the controversial Bush v. Gore election case in front of the Supreme Court.

Before she died, Barbara placed two calls to her husband from the hijacked plane. The terrible news spread within minutes, and Olson immediately became Washington’s face of loss.

“When I appeared in public, I had to stress that I’m not unique . . . unfortunate, tragic things happen to all of us,” he said. “It’s very important to put that in perspective: You’re not the only one that has experienced a terrible tragedy, as thousands of other people did that day.”

Olson said he was determined not to be consumed by his sorrow. His mother, then 81 years old, told him: “Ted, you’ve got to get back on your feet and get out there. You’re a young man.” He went back to work the following Monday and argued his first case as solicitor general three weeks later.

Six months later, he was introduced to Lady Booth, a tax attorney from Chicago. The two began dating and quickly became serious. “I felt that some people would feel that I was moving too fast. Everyone has their own idea about how someone should cope and how much you engage in mourning. I believe Barbara — because she was so passionate about life — would have wanted me to live my life.”

Ted and Lady Olson in 2006. (Philip Bermingham)

The past decade has been filled with personal and professional highs: Since 2006, Olson has been happily married to Booth, his fourth wife. “It’s not easy all the time when people want to talk about Barbara, but [Booth has] been absolutely spectacular and inspirational.” He remained with the administration until 2004, then went into private practice and is considered one of America’s most influential lawyers. He teamed up with former rival David Boies to challenge a California ban on same-sex marriage and, earlier this year, was recognized with the American Bar Association’s highest honor.

On Friday, Olson delivered a speech about 9/11 at the Justice Department, then flew to Wisconsin to spend his birthday with his wife, mother, brother, sister and daughter. “It’s nice to be able to get away from this extraordinary, heavy, nonstop emotional binge taking place this weekend,” he said.

Wisconsin is also where Barbara is buried. It took three months to identify her remains, and he decided the family retreat would be her final resting place. Olson said he would spend Sunday surrounded by the people he loves best.

“Horrible things can happen to you, and horrible things happened to us on September 11,” he concluded. “But if we look for love and happiness and fulfillment, we will find it.”



Mary Chapin Carpenter




Grand Central Station, New York City

I haven't heard this new song yet, but the story that inspired Mary Chapin Carpenter to write "Grand Central Station" truly reflects one of the hundreds of quiet heros who worked to clean-up Ground Zero after 9/11.  Please listen to it........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04L5_cnFVC0

Thanks Ryan!!!!

Pause & Remember

Before the mantra was jobs, jobs, jobs, it was security, security, security.

The security of our nation, the security of our borders, the security of our everyday lives was at the top of the agenda.  No one could do enough to make America safe and secure.  And we were willing to do whatever it took to make it happen: reduced civil liberties, metal detectors and wands, pat downs, no shoes.

A decade later, 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden is finally dead as are some of his top operatives.  But how safe are we?

When the 10th anniversary of 9/11 arrives on Sunday, Americans will pause and remember where they were when they first saw or heard the shocking news of the attacks on New York City's Twin Towers, Washington, DC's Pentagon building and the crash of Flight 93 in Shanksville, PA.   

It was a horrific and terrifying day; a day when the unthinkable became reality.

It's a reality playing over and over again this week on television, newspapers, the web and magazine.  I have watched a few television specials this week featuring the live 9/11 footage of the planes crashing, the towers falling and people in NY and DC running to get out of the way of the attacks and find safety.  I think I've seen enough and will probably not watch any more 9/11 television because my memory of those events is clear.  I can flash back to those raw and gritty images all on my own.  The repetition of seeing the events is not a healthy or healing process for me.

Instead, I am looking for stories about people who courageously pushed through their pain and chose to rebuild their lives, turning their losses into the pursuit of a positive cause honoring the memory of the loved one they lost on 9/11.  One touching story that particularly stood out for me is the story of Jack and Lauren Grandcolas.  Lauren, 38, was pregnant when she died on United Flight 93, which was hijacked by the terrorists and crashed in a field near Shankesville, PA.  After battling grief and depression, Jack started a foundation in his wife's name that financially supports a state-of-the-art birthing room at Marin General Hospital in California. 

Here is a link to a short video and story about Jack and Lauren Grandcolas:

http://news.yahoo.com/pregnant-flight-93-victim-honored-by-husband-s-lasting-tribute.html

School Days -- Reminding Teachers About A Loss

School days are here again and the usual anxieties are filling children's heads: a new year of learning, a new teacher, new friends or a new school.  Along with thoughts about wearing the right clothes, hanging out with the cool crowd, comes an additional layer of concerns for those children who are still dealing with a death in the family or perhaps one that may have occurred during the summer.

This school year also brings the commemoration of the tenth anniversary of 9/11 and reminders of this event are all around us: television specials, national ceremonies and the opening of new memorials.  Children and teens are particularly aware of the events of that tragic day and may want to talk about what they remember happening on that day and what it means to them now.  In ten years, their perspective on what happened may have changed in a way they didn't expect.

The following timely article was recently posted on Hello Grief (http://www.hellogrief.org/), a website full of insightful information and other resources for children and adults dealing with grief and loss.  I thought  this article revealed a very important point of view that should be shared:

Reminding Teachers About A Loss

By Hello Grief

As summer winds down, many families are preparing for the annual pilgrimage that is "Back to School" time.  Some children and teens are excited for the new school year, some are nervous, and some are just unhappy to see their days of sleeping late come to an end.  Regardless of where your kids fall on this spectrum, there are some additional things to take into consideration if they have had a loss.

Many physicians, counselors, and friends will encourage a parent or guardian to speak with school personnel immediately following a death in the family.  Taking time to do so can help teachers and administrators to understand the challenges your child may be facing upon their return to school, and help them to know when to reach out to the family.  Teachers who are aware of a loss are more likely to be sensitive to a student's feelings around partcular holidays, such as Mother's Day or Father's Day, and help to present alternate activities when needed.

But what if the loss was not recent?  What if the loss occurred 4, 5, even 10 years ago?  Children and teens continue to move through their own grief with each passing year.  Something a parent or guardian can do to support this process is to meet with teachers and school administrators before the beginning of each school year.  We may assume that the information about a child's loss will be shared with new teachers, but this is often not the case.  A new school year is hectic for teachers, just as it is for families, and all too often, this important information can be lost in the shuffle.  As class sizes grow, school districts change, and new teachers are hired, it is important for each parent or guardian to act as an advocate for their child.

As each year passes, children and teens will develop new understandings of their loss, and new realizations of how it impacts them.  A child taking their first algebra class may feel pangs of regret that they never took up Dad's off to coach them on their math skills.  A teen entering high school may realize for the first time that their big sister will not be there on the first day to help them find their locker.  Things that cause mild anxiety for some students may manifest as hugh stressors for a child or teen who has suffered a loss.  Making teachers and administrators aware of these losses can go a long way in making sure these grieving students are supported during their school year.

If it isn't possible to meet personally with your child or teen's teachers, it can still be beneficial to share this information through a simple email or a letter.  Even sharing the basics, such as who died, when the loss happened, and how your child or teen does/does not like to discuss it can be valuable information to a teacher.  No matter how you share the information, it will offer an opportunity for teachers to better understand your child, and to be mindful of the loss during the school year.

Most teachers and school administrators would prefer to know about any special challenges a student has, and grief can certainly be counted as such.  Taking the time to be an advocate for your child or teen can help to set them up for a successful school year, every school year.