Say Yes to Empowerment

The essence of resilience is bouncing back to a healthy place after you have been counted out.

Emotionally resilient people recognize that some good can come from even the most traumatic events.  Not only are people resilient but cities can be too.  Look at New York City.  In the 1970's, New York City was a dangerous place.  It's economy was on the verge of collapse and its streets and subways were full of crime and gangs and homeless people.  People could not find jobs.  Traveling to New York City today, there is hardly any evidence of its darker and grittier side from that time.

 

This transformation didn't take place over night.  It took years of hard work coupled with coordinated community support and a collective spirit of determination that things were going to get better, that New Yorkers were not going to put up with such a desperate way of life.

People in the midst of loss can feel this kind of desperation too and during their mourning period there sometimes comes a point -- and it's different for all of us -- when they decide they are sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I have felt that dragging sorrow when I was so immersed in in the upside down of my life that I couldn't see the possibility of anything good happening.  But a voice inside myself pushed me to put one foot in front of the other and with help from family and friends I did begin to see that there just had to be something else out there for me, something that was a more hopeful way of life.

Having a sense of hope is crucial.  Tell yourself it could be right around the bend or in the next conversation or in the next day because with hope we can find the strength to hang on and push through, finding a new direction and a new way to rebuild our lives.

Veronika Scott and her sleeping bag coat
Photo Courtesy of ABC News

I write about empowerment today because of my discovery of Veronika Scott on YouTube.  Veronika Scott lives in the infamous yet troubled city of Detroit, or Motown, a city that once was known as America's automotive center but was recently declared bankrupt by a judge.  Veronika Scott cultivates resilience every day, not only within herself but also in others looking for work in Detroit.

This Youtube video featuring Veronika and her project inspires me and I have watched it at least 20 times because each time I watch I am struck by the simplicity of her idea, the passion she has for her work, the hope she is giving to others and the power of a sewing machine.  Please check it out:

 

Keeping Love In Your Heart

The best and most beautiful things in the world

 

 cannot be seen or even touched --

 

they must be felt with the heart.

 

                                    ~ Helen Keller

 

 

 

The human heart is an amazing organ isn't it?  We fall in love, break up, and then perhaps fall in love over and over again, testing the resiliance of our courageous yet vulnerable hearts.

 

Somehow, throughout our lives, we ride this emotional rollercoaster and our hearts manage to survive the ride and keep on beating. When a relationship doesn't work out, we are sad but eventually we pick ourselves up and carry on until we meet the next person who catches our fancy.   

 

We must keep love in our hearts for love teaches us everything about the richness of life.
 

The Big 300

 

 

Today marks my 300th post.

It's a personal milestone and truly a huge deal for me.  Big thanks go out to all of my family (especially my son, Ryan, who is my biggest blog cheerleader), friends and readers out there in the internet world who read Cry, Laugh, Heal.   You give me more than you know and I read and respond to all of the great feedback I receive!  And I hope to receive lots more feedback as I continue to write about the incredibly silly, sometimes sad and mostly spontaneous events that happen to me on my new journey as a widow and single mother.

I thought it would be appropriate to go back to the beginning, to the very first post I wrote launching Cry, Laugh Heal in December 2010.  This post is special to me because I had no idea what I was doing -- not that I really know now what I am doing -- but back then I really had no idea where Cry, Laugh Heal was going and what the reaction to it would be.  I just decided to jump in and try it and see what would happen.

 

When I read that first post today, I see a different person, a person still yearning to go backwards to the time when my husband was alive and well.  I still feel that way sometimes but now the feeling comes less frequently and not as strong as it did then. 

I definitely still feel passionately about changing the way people think about grief and trying to help people as they try to rebuild their lives after the loss of a loved one.  That's the reason I started Cry, Laugh, Heal: to open up the subject of grief and it's resulting resilience.  Grief is a natural reaction to a loved one's death and eventually it will happen to you whether you like it or not.  It doesn't help anyone when we make grief a taboo topic.

Everyone's grief journey is unique and certainly full of ups and downs.  I have found that for most people, the passage of time tends to lessen the waves of pain and eventually, the loss becomes less raw and more manageable.  One day, after many years, I had what is called a light bulb moment and finally realized that my husband would never want me or our son to be miserable.  I can't tell you how or why it happened, but it finally clicked in my brain that he would have wanted us to heal and find happiness.

To my great surprise, I have discovered that an inner strength does slowly build with the taking of each day as it comes to me.

I hope you enjoy reading my first post:

Clothes To You

December 23, 2010 

With the today's launch of Cry, Laugh, Heal, I’ll start by sharing an unexpected moment that helped me cope with my husband’s death.

Grieving can take you down some unpredictable paths -- sometimes revealing humor where you least expect it.

I learned the importance of having a sense of humor early in life while growing up in a large Irish Catholic family. If you couldn’t laugh at yourself, then someone else would imitate you until you did. So laughing and making jokes about life’s bumps in the road was part of my DNA, an integral part of my spirit, and it served me well until my husband died.

Suddenly, I found myself in this new role of being a middle-aged widow and single mother and I felt as though I was outside of myself performing some sort of high-wire act. On the one hand I was trying to move forward and support my young son, while on the other hand I was completely numb. As much as my family and friends supported me, I felt as if no one really got my “spin cycle” of emotions and what I was trying to handle.

I decided I needed to find others who had also lost loved ones and talk to them about how they managed to put the pieces back together and go on with their lives. I started going to group support sessions at Sibley Hospital’s bereavement group called Widowed Persons Outreach (WPO) and it was there that I found the emotional resources and freedom to talk about ALL the issues surrounding my husband’s death -- even the things that sound really irreverent and crazy to other people.

Talking about the emptiness, the surreal feelings, the memories and the loss of future memories was exhausting but therapeutic. But the best thing that came out of these emotional dialogues was that I unexpectedly rediscovered my sense of humor.

We were talking about what happens when you have buried your loved one yet their belongings – their clothes, their food, their books, most of what they owned – is still all around you. I jumped into the discussion and began talking about what happened to me one day when I was in the house all by myself. That particular day, I really felt like I was falling apart and all I wanted was some kind of contact with my husband.

I opened my cell phone, walked around the room and stared at it, thinking there actually was the possibility that something might happen -- a ring, a text, a signal of some sort from my husband. I know it sounds strange but when you are in the throes of deep grief and your loss is so raw, you are just hurting and not being logical.

I closed my eyes and imagined that he was hugging me. Then I opened the hall closet and took one of his tweed jackets off the hanger. I put it on and of course I immediately felt better. I smelled him in that precious jacket and I imagined his arms around me. I was comforted and torn up at the same time.

As I talked about this experience to my group, I said to the husky man sitting across from me, “Trying on his clothes really made me feel a lot better. Haven’t you ever done the same thing?”

Without missing a beat, he said with a completely straight face, “I gotta tell you. I have never, ever once thought about wearing my wife’s clothes.”

I totally burst out laughing. Something about the serious expression on his face, his delivery and the mental picture of this big guy in a small pastel sweater made me laugh so hard I couldn’t get my breath. And everyone else started laughing too so I knew that we had hit on something close to people’s hearts.

It was then that I knew life was going to be a little softer. Nothing was going to be great or wonderful; just slightly more bearable. For a long time, I didn’t think it was okay to laugh. I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying myself and besides, nothing was funny to me anyway.

There is a very thin line between crying and laughing. Many times you find yourself doing one of them and all of a sudden you are doing the other. But a good cry or a good laugh can make you feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and that’s what this blog is here to do.

A Grandfather's Last Letter

 

 

Grandfathers and Grandchildren Learn From Each Other

Many people have good intentions when it comes to writing down their thoughts and feelings about their loved ones.  But then, unfortunately, something happens and they never get to it.  Letting those who are special to you know exactly how you feel about them on paper (in a positive way) is an incredible gift.  Without such a note or letter you are left to either guess at how the person felt about you or you can go on your memory, which depending on your age, could be fuzzy. 

 

Now along comes James K. Flanagan and he shows us all how to do it.

 

God bless James K. Flanagan for he knew how to put more happiness into the lives of his grandchildren by leaving them with a one-of-a-kind treasure.  I saw this story yesterday in the Huffington Post and right away was amazed by what Flanagan wrote to his five grandchildren a few months before he died. 

 

I can't pick out the most important pieces of wisdom Flanagan listed for they all are important for different reasons.  Outstanding job Mr. Flanagan.  I think you covered everything!!!

James K. Flanagan: A Grandfather's Last Letter To His Grandkids

On Sept. 3, 2012, James K. Flanagan of West Long Branch, N.J., died unexpectedly of a heart attack. He wrote this letter to his five grandchildren just months earlier and it is reprinted here with the permission of his daughter Rachel Creighton.

Dear Ryan, Conor, Brendan, Charlie, and Mary Catherine,

My wise and thoughtful daughter Rachel urged me to write down some advice for you, the important things that I have learned about life. I am beginning this on 8 April 2012, the eve of my 72nd birthday.

1. Each one of you is a wonderful gift of God both to your family and to all the world. Remember it always, especially when the cold winds of doubt and discouragement fall upon your life.

2. Be not afraid . . . of anyone or of anything when it comes to living your life most fully. Pursue your hopes and your dreams no matter how difficult or "different" they may seem to others. Far too many people don't do what they want or should do because of what they imagine others may think or say. Remember, if they don't bring you chicken soup when you're sick or stand by you when you're in trouble, they don't matter. Avoid those sour-souled pessimists who listen to your dreams then say, "Yeah, but what if . . ." The heck with "what if. . ." Do it! The worst thing in life is to look back and say: "I would have; I could have; I should have." Take risks, make mistakes.

3. Everyone in the world is just an ordinary person. Some people may wear fancy hats or have big titles or (temporarily) have power and want you to think they are above the rest. Don't believe them. They have the same doubts, fears, and hopes; they eat, drink, sleep, and fart like everyone else. Question authority always but be wise and careful about the way you do it.

4. Make a Life List of all those things you want to do: travel to places; learn a skill; master a language; meet someone special. Make it long and do some things from it every year. Don't say "I'll do it tomorrow" (or next month or next year). That is the surest way to fail to do something. There is no tomorrow, and there is no "right" time to begin something except now.

5. Practice the Irish proverb: Moi an olge agus tiocfaidh sí "Praise the child and she will flourish."

6. Be kind and go out of your way to help people -- especially the weak, the fearful, and children. Everyone is carrying a special sorrow, and they need our compassion.

7. Don't join the military or any organization that trains you to kill. War is evil. All wars are started by old men who force or fool young men to hate and to kill each other. The old men survive, and, just as they started the war with pen and paper, they end it the same way. So many good and innocent people die. If wars are so good and noble, why aren't those leaders who start wars right up there fighting?

8. Read books, as many as you can. They are a wonderful source of delight, wisdom, and inspiration. They need no batteries or connections, and they can go anywhere.

9. Be truthful.

10. Travel: always but especially when you are young. Don't wait until you have "enough" money or until everything is "just right." That never happens. Get your passport today.

11. Pick your job or profession because you love to do it. Sure, there will be some things hard about it, but a job must be a joy. Beware of taking a job for money alone -- it will cripple your soul.

12. Don't yell. It never works, and it hurts both yourself and others. Every time I have yelled, I have failed.

13. Always keep promises to children. Don't say "we'll see" when you mean "no." Children expect the truth; give it to them with love and kindness.

14. Never tell anyone you love them when you don't.

15. Live in harmony with Nature: go into the outdoors, woods, mountains, sea, desert. It's important for your soul.

16. Visit Ireland. It's where the soul of our family was born -- especially the West: Roscommon, Clare, and Kerry.

17. Hug people you love. Tell them how much they mean to you now; don't wait until it's too late.

18. Be grateful. There is an Irish saying: "This is a day in our lives, and it will not come again." Live every day with this in mind.

As was written in his obituary, James K. Flanagan "was proudly liberal and fought unyieldingly for the underdog. He was an accomplished author, poet, and seanchai -- Irish storyteller; he reveled in recounting the joy of growing up Catholic in Jersey City and his adventures in the Adirondack Mountains and on the Western coast of Ireland. His greatest love was spending time with his family, most of all his five grandchildren" Ryan (11); Conor (10); Brendan (9); Charles (8); and Mary Catherine (5)."

Reach For The Stars

Every great dream begins with a dreamer.

Always remember, you have within you

 the strength, the patience, and the passion to

reach for the stars to change the world

~ Harriet Tubman

Daddy's Office Time

From a child's point of view, the place where their parents work can be a place they dislike because it pulls the parent away from them.  Parents spend a lot of time at work and children may feel that they are competing with what goes on in the office.  "If you didn't have to work, you could be with me," is sometimes what a child thinks.

But what if your memories of your parent and their relationship with their work and their office is positive and you can't imagine your parent doing anything else but being in their office?  Your parent may love their job and their passion for their work may inspire you to try to find something that you can be equally passionate about.

Work world is where your parent and other adults are busy working on computers, talking on phones, doing things you don't quite understand but you want to be part of it because your parent loves being in this world.

In honor of Father's Day, this New York Times story captures a little girl's precious memories of her father and playing office so she could become just like him:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/04/26/for-one-more-day-at-the-office/

Class of 2012

For the past week or so I have been happily reading the Facebook postings of friends writing about their children's graduations from college.  It's an exciting time for all of my friends and their children and I congratulate all on reaching Diploma Day!

Now this weekend it's my turn and I really can't believe it.  It's feels as though life is on fast forward and I intend to hang on and enjoy the ride.

I am reading the commencement letter outlining Fordham University's May 18 and 19 graduation ceremonies and already I'm feeling a mix of conflicting emotions.  My son is really and truly going to graduate from college.  Wow!  Part of me wonders how this day arrived so quickly and the other part of me says of course it's time for him to graduate.  Part of me is relieved that I don't have to worry about those monthly payments any more (a lot of pasta was eaten to stay in the budget) and the other part will miss traveling to New York City for occasional weekend visits.

It's all part of life's super duper fantastical adventure and I'm just going to roll with it.  I am going to stay in the moment and not think about how wonderful it would be if my son's father were here to see him accept his diploma.  I know he's as proud of our son as I am and I'm sure he has played an important but invisible role in guiding our son to this amazing day.  He will surely be with us in spirit and loving every minute of the graduation ceremony.

The only advice advice I want to pass along to my son and this year's graduates is this: friends and family make your world go round and make sure that whatever you do, you do it with passion.

About ten years ago, Pulitzer Prize winner and bestselling author Anna Quindlen gave the commenment speech at Villanova.  It's no surprise that her speech was superb and every once in while I will take it off my bulletin board and read it for inspiration.  Here a little bit of Quindlen's insightful speech:

"So here's what I wanted to tell you today: get a life.  A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house.  Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurism one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?"

"Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the watergap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger."

"Get a life in which you are not alone.  Find people you love, and who love you.  And remember that love is nor leisure, it is work."

"Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others.  Pick up the phone.  Send an email.  Write a letter. Kiss your Mom.  Hug your Dad.

Get a life in which you are generous.  Look around at the azaleas in the suburban neighborhood where you gew up; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night.  And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted."

Congratulations Class of 2012!!!!

You Did It!!!

Now Show Us What You've Got!!!!

A Mama Hug

I took a quick one-night trip to New York City on Monday to attend a senior awards dinner at Fordham University's Lincoln Center campus.  I was invited by the Dean of Students and was asked not to tell my son that I was coming because my son didn't even know that he was going to receive an award.  My lips were sealed.  There was no way that I was going to miss this event because this is the kind of stuff that parents live for.

This past weekend, my son had called me and asked if I had received anything in the mail about the awards dinner.  No, nothing came, I said.  I was very casual about it and said I  guess he would have to go to the dinner like everyone else to see who ends up with an award.

He never suspected that I had taken off work and traveled to New York just to see him until he got to the table where I was already seated.  I stood up and turned around and he was genuinely so surprised and taken aback to see me.  "MOOOOM," he said enthusiatically.  As those around us watched us hug, my son spontaneously said in a voice louder than I wanted, "Mom, you are such a good liar!"  Yes, I thought to myself, that's just what every mother wants to be known for...her ability to lie...Oh well.

In the spirit of Fordham's Senior Leadership Awards, I'd like to give a big shout out -- WOOOO WOOOO -- and a huge Mama hug to my son who has worked so hard these past four years!  Single parenting can be such a crapshoot but in this case, right now, it's all good!!!!!!!

I am so proud of him and his work ethic.  I have never seen him happier than he was on Monday night.  Fordham was a wonderful and challenging experience for him.  He discovered for himself that you get out of life what you put into it, made a lot of new friends and found his passion which has turned into a paying job after graduation. 

His smile and demeanor was priceless...Isn't that what every parents hopes for?