A Time of Healing

As 2011 draws to a close and a New Year is almost here, you might be trying to figure out how you are supposed to face the future without someone you lost.

Longtime grief counselor and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt of Fort Collins, Colo., advises story-writing and storytelling to help the healing process.  "Tell the story of death and you begin to acknowledge it," Wolfelt writes.  "Tell it 10 times and you begin to let it enter your heart.  Tell it over and over and you find it becoming part of who you are."

And from that storytelling you will gain strength; the strength to face the next hour or the next 24 hours without your loved one.  Some of my first New Year's Eves after my husband died were sort of a blur of numbness, confusion and feeling outside of myself.  I marked the holiday in a low key manner because I didn't feel there was much to celebrate and I was just trying to survive.  Eight years later, things are better and I will be spending New Year's Eve with good friends and feeling as though I can face life's challenges.

The healing process might be different for you because the length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful at times, the grief process should not be rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience your unique reactions to the loss.

With time and support, things generally do get better. However, grieving can run in cycles and it is normal for significant dates, holidays, or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss.

Taking care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings during these times are ways that can help you cope.  Numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol will not help you cope and only prolongs the grief process. 

Give yourself time and eventually, hope will rise from the stinging pain you are now experiencing.

Mommy Doesn't Shave Her Face

I was shopping at the local drugstore for Christmas stocking stuffers for my son and was looking at all the different shower gels being sold for men.  I was trying to figure out which one my son would use when my eyes traveled over to the section displaying men's razors.

Ahhh..men's razors.  I was reminded of a period of time right after my husband died.  My son was 13 years old and in the eighth grade.  A tricky time under the best of circumstances.  He had grown some stubble on his face but I didn't think it was enough for a razor.

I was new to being Mommy and Daddy and I was unfamiliar with how this was supposed to work.  I had bought shaving gel for my husband hundreds of times when I was at the grocery store but my husband had always bought his own razors and blades because he was particular about what kind he used.  I think the only thing I knew for sure about men's razors was that I shouldn't borrow them to shave my legs because guys hate that.

Shaving is a Father's territory.  Fathers are the ones who usually teach their sons how to shave so they don't cut their faces and walk around with pieces of tissue stuck on it.  But this was the first of many situations where I would need to talk to a guy to figure out what would be best for my son. 

I now see that the facial stubble was his body's way of telling me that he was leaving Mommy World and crossing the proverbial bridge over to Male World.  Shaving is a male milestone.  Little boys are always looking in the mirror, putting shaving cream all over their face and pretending they are shaving just like their Dads.  I don't know what I was waiting for but I'm so glad that the father of one my son's good friends brought it to my attention.

We were sitting on the bleachers during a school basketball game, cheering and yelling and talking all at the same time.  Between scores and penalty buzzes, we were watching our children run back and forth on the basketball court.  As we talked, he casually said something along the lines of, "I just got my son his first razor and I don't know if you've noticed but your son is ready for one too."

He had my full attention at that point.  If I had a daughter, I would know exactly what physical signs to look for as her hormones kicked into gear and what do to when I saw them.  But I was now in unfamiliar territory as a parent and I needed other parents in a way I hadn't before.

Since the day I learned I was pregnant, I have always enjoyed commiserating with other parents.  As parents, we're always comparing stories and experiences, mentally filing away what we think is good solid advice to be used at a later time, and deleting the stuff we don't think pertains to our children.

I will always be grateful to this father, and our bleacher conversation opened the door to lots of talks with male friends and relatives about guy issues.  I don't know what it feels like to be a little boy, a teenage guy or a young man.  I did follow up on his advice and went to a close male relative who jumped at the opportunity to take my son shopping for his first razor.

It was bittersweet when they came home from their shopping trip and showed me what they bought, but I was also comforted by the knowledge that I know some special men who are enthusiastic about helping me and my son.  Being a parent is already  unpredictable enough all on its own.  When you find yourself in the position of being Mom and Dad by yourself, it's all about reaching out to other parents and putting your child's needs first.

Quiet & Solitude

Give your mind a rest.  Just as your body needs sleep for renewal and optimal health, your mind needs periods of quiet and solitude.

A quiet mind reveals important things about your life, changes you may need to make to create a healthier and richer lifestyle. 

Inner information such as this cannot break through constant mental chatter.  A period of solitude "recharges" the brain and the body.

                                             --     By Elliot Dacher, MD, & author of Whole Healing: A Step-by-Step
                                                  Program to Reclaim Your Power To Heal

Christmas Sighting

In the hustle and bustle of eating, talking and being with my wonderful family yesterday on Christmas Day, I received a unexpected present that I think others who have lost loved ones will be able to identify with.  Maybe this has happened to you but you didn't tell anyone else about it because you figured they would give you that look that says, "Okayyyyy. Rigghhhttttt."

My son and I were at my parents house and all of my siblings, nieces, nephews were gathered to celebrate Christmas.  There was lots of activity -- electronic and human --.and everyone was enjoying catching up with each other and just hanging out and basking in Christmas.

I was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and talking to my niece.  While in the kitchen, I could also see into the family room where some football game was on the wide screen television and most of the food was in that room.  Thus, most of the men were camped out there.  As I was talking to her, out of the corner of my eye, I swear that I saw my late husband sitting in the chair that was only a few feet from me.  I saw his profile and he was dressed in khakis and a maroon sweater.  It was a split second thing and I quickly turned my head fully to see it again and then it was gone.  I loved that it happened because it was comforting, sort of a sign that he was with us.  Not scary at all!

You might say that I imagined it because I was thinking about him and I guess that could be the case.  But then again it could be the magic of Christmas.  Believe.

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Happy Birthday Cry, Laugh Heal!  Yup.  It has actually been one whole year since Cry, Laugh Heal was launched as a blog and I really can't believe it.

How would I measure my first year of blogging?

In friendship,

in kindness,

and in support.

That's what blogging has meant to me.  It has opened up a new world and that is exhilarating.  Along with my son's help, I pushed myself to learn something new and I am so glad that I did.   I made plenty of mistakes along the way and I'm sure I will make more next year.  But the important thing is to keep moving forward!!

Since the day I wrote my first post, I have been pleasantly surprised by the numbers of readers from all parts of the world who log on to read Cry, Laugh, Heal.  From Saudi Arabia to Lithuania and from Ireland to Nigeria, the power and reach of the internet is truly incredible and never ceases to surprise me.

I wasn't quite sure what blogging was all about but I did my research and googled around and found I liked the creativity and the immediacy.  Most of the blogs I visited were about cooking, lifestyles, decorating, health or politics but not many blogs were set up to discuss what I wanted to write about: grief, resilience and rebuilding your life.  These things I know from first hand experience.  When my husband died eight years ago, our son was thirteen years old.  I felt very alone in facing the future.  By writing a blog, I hoped I could give back and help others by writing that it's okay to acknowledge your feelings whatever they may be.  Ignoring or repressing your feelings only assures that they will last longer.

My life today is not the same life that I had when my husband was alive but I think I have carved out a solid life for myself and my son that is full of different kinds of love and adventure.  It takes time but it is possible to make another life for yourself.  It may not seem that way some days when you feel as though you have fallen off a cliff but then something can happen the next day and it can make you feel as though you have reached a place of healing.

Photo By Katie Quinn Davies

I was nervous about putting my thoughts and feelings out there in Cry, Laugh, Heal for the whole world wide web to read...or not.  But I took a deep breath and decided it was time to put myself out there.  I was a reporter many, many years ago and then later worked in communications.  Currently, I edit a newsletter about grief and thought that blogging could take this subject to the next level.

It means so much to me that you take time out of your day to read Cry, Laugh Heal.  Your support  -- and the constant support of my wonderful son, Ryan, --  is energizing and has helped me write over 100 posts, more than I ever expected.  I look forward to 2012 and cross my fingers that the number of my wonderful, fantastic, beautiful readers will continue to grow.  All I can say is:

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Holiday Mental Health

New York Daily News Photo

The holidays are all around us and sometimes it feels as though the songs, the decorations and even the food are reminders of the beloved people we lost.  This time of year can be hard for those of us in search of a place of peace.  We quietly ache for the presence of a particular person while we also try to live in this season of celebration.

If you feel as though you are at that point of bearing too much, it's okay to take a break from your emotions.  You may feel lost but you also deserve to feel some comfort and joy.  Your loved one would not want you to be miserable.

Pushing your thoughts to another place, even temporarily, can have the effect of rebooting your outlook on life.  This in no way dishonors the seriousness of the emotions you are trying to process or the memories of our loved ones.  Grieving can be stressful and tiring and those who are dealing with the paradox of the holiday season need to make sure they take care of themselves mentally and physically.

Photo by Aaron Knights

Here are a few holiday stress busters you might want to try:

-- Take a walk.  It doesn't matter where you go or how long you walk, but spending some time with nature can be calming.

--Turn off the television.  It can be good to hear another voice in the house but too much television just becomes draining.

--Do something you are good at.

--Try not to set your expectations too high.  Those perfect holiday gatherings that you see in the movies aren't representative of most families.

--Make a memory box, collage or journal to store your thoughts and memories.

--Keep things simple.  You don't have to decorate if you don't want to and you don't have to follow your holiday traditions.

What's your favorite holiday stress buster? 

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

Songs can be powerful time machines.  Sometimes all it takes is hearing the first few notes or strands of a melody and YOU ARE THERE.  It is amazing to me how a song has the uncanny ability to mentally fast track you to a place you haven't thought about in years.

Recently, I was driving my car home in the oh so unpleasant nightly commute of bumper to bumper traffic on Connecticut Avenue. I found myself pushing the radio buttons over and over because there were so many commercials playing and I was getting annoyed.  Yada, yada, yada.  I was trying to find something to listen to and didn't want to fool around with the CD's because I was trying to be a good driver.  I wasn't up for anything frantic or metallic or anything that would make me wish I was on the open road going faster.

On one station I suddenly heard the silky smooth voice of Johnny Mathis singing "Winter Wonderland"  and it was magical.  When I hear Johnny Mathis sing, I am instantly a child again and I am living in a house on Silver Rock Road in Rockville, Md.  I am 6 years old and it is evening.  It's right after dinner.  My two younger sisters and one younger brother and I have all had our baths and we are happy in our pajamas.  This Christmas there were only four of us.  Two more siblings would arrive later.

The house smells like a party and everything is glittery and snowy and full of anticipation.  We are bumping into each other and talking and running around and wondering when Santa will be at our house.  We want to put the cookies and milk out so we can get him to come to our house first.  As much as our parents try, they cannot get us to calm down to get ready to go to sleep.

Sleigh bells ring, Are you listening,

In the lane, snow is glistening

A beautiful sight,

We're happy tonight

Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

The whole scene is hardwired in my brain and when I hear Johnny Mathis singing, "Winter Wonderland" it triggers the memory every time.

Could anything be more innocent?