Today is Today

Who cares what happened yesterday. . . .

Today is today & this is what I am going to remind myself . . .

Forgiveness

Someone close to me is emotionally stuck on certain negative events that happened in her life decades ago.  She talks about them in great detail and tells others how she felt when these things happened to her.  Listening over and over again to her retelling of these events doesn't seem to help her move forward and get past what happened.

 

It's as though she has a list in her head and she mentally checks these things off every day to remind herself that someone did something wrong to her.  It is sad and frustrating to watch someone concentrate on the same past events and yet not be able to say good-bye to them.

 

Constantly being a part of this conversation is teaching me in a new way about being positive about life and truly forgiving.  Not just saying you're sorry or accepting someone else's apology because you are expected to, but really and truly getting it out of your system and meaning it.

 

 

 

 

Bad things, unfair things and nasty things do happen to us.  Unfortunately that's what happens in life.  But great things, positive things, happy things also happen to us.  It's up to us to either choose the negative or the positive and then go ahead and live our lives.

 

A friend explained it to me this way: if you decide to hold on to something that makes you angry or "wronged," then every day you have to find the negative energy within yourself to go over that event and how it felt and what you think should have happened instead of what did actually happen.

 

That's a lot of baggage to drag around.

 

Instead, forgiveness is something you practice once.  You look at what happened, realize we are all human and make mistakes, forgive and then let it go.  Really let it go.  And then move on.

 

A colleague at work has the following saying about forgiveness taped to her desk.  The author is unknown but every time I read it I stop and think about what it means and commit to bringing the spirit of forgiveness into my life.

Here's the saying:

"Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

It is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you.

When you embrace forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy."

Peace!

It's All In Your Attitude

Hi Dear Friends!

Yesterday I went for my annual eye exam and of course the doctor dilated my eyes.  I now have to use eye drops three to four times a day.  One is a prescription drop and the other is an over-the-counter brand.  I am just getting used to this new routine and I am finding that it's a lot of drops to have rolling down my face.  Better get some water-proof mascara right?

 

Needless to say, computer time has been temporarily shortened but today I still wanted to post some thoughts about healing and managing life's wacky stresses.

I am sharing a short but wise essay a friend sent me (author unknown) on keeping it together and remembering to jump off the hamster wheel, take break and RELAX.

 

As I write this, it is snowing in the Washington, DC area and schools and the federal government are closed.  Perhaps you are taking an unexpected break today and if you are snow bound, I hope you keep your power and have time to enjoy some down time!

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,

 

raised a glass of water and asked,

 

"How heavy is this glass of water?"

 

Answers called out ranged from 20 g to 500g.

 

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.

 

It depends on how long you try to hold it.

 

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

 

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

 

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

 

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

 

He continued,

 

"And that's the way it is with stress management.

 

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,

 

as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,

 

we won't be able to carry on."

 

"As with the glass of water,

 

you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.

 

When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

 

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.

 

Don't carry it home.

 

You can pick it up tomorrow.

 

Whatever burdens you are carrying now,

 

let them down for a moment if you can."

 

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX.

 

Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.

 

Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

 

Life is short.

Lessons Learned

I try to clear my brain on the weekends and taking long walks or short runs usually does it for me.  I like to try and wipe the slate clean of whatever happened last week and get rid of it so I don't carry it into the next week.  But I am fighting a cold and this weekend in Washington, DC was just too cold and windy to get out in the elements.  

 

Instead, I exercised indoors on my stationary bicycle and the only way to break the monotony of that is to wear my iPod and shuffle all my songs.  As I was watching the bicycle's calorie counter show my progress, a song came on I hadn't heard in awhile: Carrie Underwood's Lessons Learned.

The lyrics unfolded for me in a new way:

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

 

Boy is that true!  Sometimes you think the curve that life has handed you is totally going to break you to bits.  And at the time that it is happening to you it does feel that way.   You feel like a mess, like nothing is ever going to make sense again.  For me, I found strength in knowing that life is sometimes out of control and I needed to stop fighting it.

 

A lesson I learned is to reach out.  Sharing your problems with friends, family members or a support group and spending time in nature are just some of the ways that I found to be the best buffers against stress.  Force yourself to call someone because isolating ourselves can make "the blues" even worse.

 

Listening to music can also help you shake a down feeling, just as it helped me make the time on my stationary bicycle fly by.  Music can energize you and calm you.  It's hard to stay in a bad mood when you are listening to a song that you love.

 

I hope Lessons Learned gives you strength and perhaps some inner resolve to deal with whatever is going on in your life.  Here is the multi-talented award-winning Carrie Underwood singing Lessons Learned:

On Your Own Time

 

Slowly, I have found that the passage of time does help you gain inner strength and perspective as you try to adjust to an altered life after the loss of a loved one.  Your emotions are not as a raw as they were in the beginning of the grieving process and eventually you start to feel that you have more control over the sadness and confusion concerning your loss.

It just doesn't happen as fast as everyone else wants it to happen.

Unfortunately, our go-go society is not very tolerant of understanding how much time it really takes to learn how to recover, rebuild and then go on to live without your loved one in your life.  Each person's journey toward resilience is different because each person's circumstances and relationship to the deceased is different.

Don't give up on yourself on your future.  It is painful but you will find ways to stay connected to your loved one.  There really is no wrong way or right way.  I know of one woman who told me that she had to go back to work after her husband's death.  Her emotions were all over the place but she didn't want to "lose it" at work so before she went to work she would sit in the living room and face her husband's chair as though he was sitting there facing her.  She would then carry on a conversation with him and talk and cry with him until she felt she could go to work without having her emotions spill all over the place.

You will find your way!  I recently read the below article on the Huffington Post and found it to be very helpful.  I think Ashley Davis Bush, a psychotherapist and author, says it all right here:

Get Over It!  (And Other Things That Grievers Cannot Do)

By Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW

I have been working with grievers for over 20 years.  My grief book, Transcending Loss, was published 15 years ago and continues to help readers.  One of the reasons for its enduring appeal is that it acknowledges the lifelong impact of grief.  In it, I give grievers permission to feel their pain, find meaning in their loss and stay connected to their dearly departed.

Our pain-averse culture wants to sweep grief under the carpet as quickly as possible.  We prefer grievers to finish mourning in a timely manner so that we can all get back on schedule.  Grief, however, is ongoing.It has many twists and turns that defy our best attempts at orderliness.

If you or someone you know is grieving, the following grief resource will help you understand what to expect.

What Grievers Cannot Do

--Get Over It -- Although stoicism it is not healthy for grievers.  The truth is that a major loss is devastating -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Grievers don't simply "get over" such a life-altering experience as one might get over an illness.  Grief is a necessary, ongoing journey that fluctuates over time.  Grief has no closure.

--Forget Their Loved One -- Grievers cannot and should not pretend as if their loved one never existed.  Most grievers think of their beloved one daily, no matter how many years have gone by.  If you, as a friend, never mention the loved one  who has died, you are acting as if you've forgotten.

--Move On -- Grievers are often tol to "move on" with life.  It is impossible to move on as if nothing has changed when the foundation of one's life has been shattered.  Severing a tie to a deceased loved one is not possible, nor should it be the goal (see "Moving Forward" in the next section).

--Be Their Old Self Again -- Grievers are irrevocably changed.  They cannot return to being their old selves again.  They are no longer the same person after a major loss.

--Stop Hurting -- Grieverss and their ones often wish for the pain of grief to stop.  The hard truth is that painful feelings of grief will arise again and again over the years.  They will continue to "burst" into life at the most inopportune moments.  Sometimes a holiday or anniversary will stimulate renewed pain and, at other times, a simple rainy Tuesday is all that it will take.

What Grievers Can Do

--Integrate Loss Into Life -- Grievers must live with loss, but they do have the choice to reengage with life.  The way to begin this lies in the understanding that loss is an inevitable part of life and that their loved on is always with them in their heart.

--Move Forward -- Grievers may not be able to simply "move on" but they can "moveforward" as a changed person with a willingness to accept the many facets of being alive.  When grievers move forward they do so with their loved one ever in their memory, their hearts and their spirits.

--Remember and Stay Connected In Love -- Grievers can make it a practice to honor their loved one and stay connected to them.  They can keep journals and letters written to their loved ones, display photographs and speak about them.  Grievers are still in a relationship with their loved one even though their physical form is no longer on this planet.

--Embrace A New Self -- Grievers can understand that being forever changed means that while the old self has died, a new self is emerging.  This new self has the potential for increased strength, wisdom, compassion, insight and perspective.

--Channel Their Pain Into New Energy -- The human spirit is remarkably resilient.  Grievers can pour their pain into new life missions, causes and callings.  They may reach out with compassion and understanding to others who suffer.  Grievers have a choice to transcend their loss by making meaning out of unspeakable pain.

Grief is a universal human experience that all of us will encounter eventually.  Understanding what we can and cannot expect will help ease the process as it unfolds.  Loss may change life as we know it, but the unknown is full of possibility.