Nothing More -- The Alternate Routes

After a day spent counting our blessings and giving thanks, today we are full of gratitude right?

 

To keep that warm and fuzzy and wonderful feeling of kindness going, here is a song introduced to me by Hannah Donnelly (a Jesuit Volunteer Corps alumni & my son's girlfriend) that I know I will be singing or humming to myself today or whenever I feel my patience starting to wear.  It is a beautiful song, offering hope and I think it fosters the spirit of giving.

 

 

 

The song, "Nothing More" was written specifically for Newtown Kindness (www.newtownkindness.org) and is performed by a band called The Alternate Routes. 

Please listen.......For it's all in the heart:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tXzlVjU1xs#t=83

Star Night Star Bright

I am one of those old school people who still have a daily newspapers delivered to my house.  During the work week when I go outside to get the newspaper, it is dark and the moon and the stars are still shining in the sky.

 

It's a great time to collect my thoughts for the day.

 

This morning I took a moment to stand still on the sidewalk, take a deep breath, and say a prayer of gratitude for a new day and whatever it might bring.  As I gazed at the quiet beauty of the moon hanging in the early morning sky and the stars twinkling about it, I was reminded of the saying and unfortunately I don't know who wrote it:

I saw a star slide down the sky,

blind the north as it went by,

too burning and too quick to hold,

too lovely to be bought or sold,

good only to make wishes on

and then forever to be gone.

Safe travels today!!

Holiday Mash-Up

In music, mashups are when a performer or group combines the instrumentals of one song with the vocals of another song and then the mashup, or blending if you will, is played as a new song.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it flops.

 

In retail, this is the time of year for practicing what I think of as a huge marketing mash-up.  Stores no longer wait for one holiday to almost happen and then stock the shelves with the decorations or products for the next holiday.  There is no longer any retail restraint with regard to holidays; it's just throw it all out there at any time and let the calendar be damned.

 

I guess if I made a living in retail I would understand this "go for broke" philosophy.  Most stores are counting on shoppers during the holiday season to help them rack up profits for the year but the holiday marketing mashup makes it awfully hard for those who have lost a loved one and are using all their strength to emotionally keep it together.

 

Christmas decorations are on the shelves in October, Thanksgiving table decorations are on sale in September and Halloween candy can be found next to August's displays for school supplies.  It's confusing to know what time of the year it is if I'm using stores as a seasonal guide.

 

Since most of the retail rules got kicked to the curb, I'm suggesting a few things for those who are particularly emotionally vulnerable the holiday season.  If you are able to embrace the holidays in all their magic and wonder then good for you!! I congratulate you on your good luck and I hope that no matter what holidays you celebrate that you have the best holidays ever!!

 

But for people who are newly widowed or have lost a child, a relative or a friend, the holidays are filled with memories and expectations.  And this is where the marketing mashup causes problems.

 

Memories, yes, are wonderful, and I feel blessed to have some great memories of my late husband but I know from personal experience and also from conversations with those who have experienced a loss that as much as you steel yourself for the celebration of religious and traditional holidays, you only have enough emotional energy to deal with them one at a time.  Holiday reminders thrown at you all at the same time can put you into emotional overload which is not what you want at all.

 

Your life has changed and it's important to take care of you.  There is no requirement that you celebrate your holidays the way that you always did when your loved one was alive.  If you haven't already, talk to your family and friends about what you want to do over the holidays.  If traditions and time honored routines give you comfort, then please continue with the ones you feel you need and want to keep.   If you want to create new traditions, then you should feel free to celebrate in a new way.

 

Holidays are a highly charged time of year and you deserve to find a healing zone within these months of eating, drinking and making merry. 

Trust your  instincts.  It's best for your mental and physical well being to take the holidays at your own pace and celebrate in your own way, not a mashed up, commercial version of what Madison Avenue thinks you should do.
 

Turn Around Solitary Man

I felt very lucky and very blessed to be sitting in my worn and comfortable beach chair early yesterday morning, breathing in the soft air of Bethany Beach and watching the tide come in as the waves pounded the sand.

 

For me, sun, sand and ocean are the essential elements for getting rid of worrisome and stressful thoughts and filling my inner reserves with hope and gratitude.  It's a winning combination every time I need it.  The beach has never let me down.  Ever.

 

 

 

I was in Bethany Beach this past weekend to help a very good friend sell her beautiful handmade jewelry at an arts festival held annually on the town's boardwalk.   Even though it was after Labor Day, the beach was packed and booming as though it were summer.

 

But early Sunday morning, only a few people were scattered about the beach.

 

We beach people are a different breed.  At a moment's notice, I could go to the beach any time of the year and at any time of the day just to hear the cycle of the ocean's tides and feel the sand between my toes.

 

I watched yesterday roll out as the young families came first to set up their area for the day, carrying chairs, umbrellas, beach toys and coolers.  A horseshoe crab had washed up on the beach, stranded on it back, and some of the parents and children went down to investigate how to push it back to the surf.  Next a few older couples came walking by, some holding hands, some just enjoying a quiet conversation.

 

Then a solitary man came to my part of the beach wearing an orange t-shirt and black shorts.  He looked to be in his twenties and was wearing large earphones over his ears and in each hand he held metal poles with circles on the end that he waved back and forth over the sand.  I've seen these metal detectors before but I never seen someone waving two at the same time and never in the morning.  Usually the metal detector people have only one detector each and walk the beach in the evenings hoping that during the day someone lost a ring or a lot of coins.

 

As I watched Solitary Man, with his head down looking at the sand in search for buried treasure, searching for something expensive lost by another person, I wanted to suggest that he take his headphones off and enjoy the beauty of what surrounded him.

 

I wanted to tell him that instead of looking down at the sand, waving his dueling metal detectors, he could turn around and look out at the glorious Atlantic Ocean and watch the morning sun dance on the rolling waves and listen as the cold salt water swished the sand around his feet.

 

I wanted to say that the time spent looking for stuff in the sand that he thinks is going to make him happy, could instead be spent absorbing the wonders of Mother Nature, the same wonders that draw people to the beach to rejuvenate and refresh their spirits and souls.  After all, it is a known scientific fact that the sound of ocean waves actually alters the wave patterns in the human brain, soothing us into a deeply calm and relaxed state.

 

Happiness is right here Solitary Man, right here at the beach. 

 

And you don't need a metal detector to find it.

 

 

 

Freedom & Bravery on Memorial Day

The smell of charcoal lighter fluid has been in the air in my neighborhood this weekend which means that grilling is not far behind.

 

Cookouts and parades are just two of the many ways we Americans mark the holiday of Memorial Day, a day when we pause and remember the bravery of the Americans soldiers who are thankfully still with us and those who are sadly deceased because without them we would not have the freedom to enjoy such leisure and peace.

 

American flag displayed at
Vietnam Veterans Memorial

I recall as a teenager when the draft was still on and the family of one of my best friends posted the military draft number of her brother on one of their kitchen walls.  We saw that number and we were scared.  We were scared for him and the possibility that his number would come up in the draft and he would be called to serve in the Vietnam War.

 

Seeing that number brought the Vietnam War home for all of us every day and even as young as we were, we knew the seriousness of the situation and that other families across the nation were being called upon to make the same sacrifice.

 

My friend's brother was lucky and his number was not called but others were not so lucky.

 

Memorial Day is a day to remember, pray and salute the endless sacrifices made by so many so that we could live in a country where freedom and democracy are preserved.

 

If you have an American flag, put it out today and proudly display it.

 

If you have a hero in your family, tell and share the story of what he or she did to bravely serve and defend the United States.

 

Take a moment to remember and be thankful for our strong and resilient veterans and their families.

I know I will!

 

Photo by AFP Getty

 

 

Forgiveness

Someone close to me is emotionally stuck on certain negative events that happened in her life decades ago.  She talks about them in great detail and tells others how she felt when these things happened to her.  Listening over and over again to her retelling of these events doesn't seem to help her move forward and get past what happened.

 

It's as though she has a list in her head and she mentally checks these things off every day to remind herself that someone did something wrong to her.  It is sad and frustrating to watch someone concentrate on the same past events and yet not be able to say good-bye to them.

 

Constantly being a part of this conversation is teaching me in a new way about being positive about life and truly forgiving.  Not just saying you're sorry or accepting someone else's apology because you are expected to, but really and truly getting it out of your system and meaning it.

 

 

 

 

Bad things, unfair things and nasty things do happen to us.  Unfortunately that's what happens in life.  But great things, positive things, happy things also happen to us.  It's up to us to either choose the negative or the positive and then go ahead and live our lives.

 

A friend explained it to me this way: if you decide to hold on to something that makes you angry or "wronged," then every day you have to find the negative energy within yourself to go over that event and how it felt and what you think should have happened instead of what did actually happen.

 

That's a lot of baggage to drag around.

 

Instead, forgiveness is something you practice once.  You look at what happened, realize we are all human and make mistakes, forgive and then let it go.  Really let it go.  And then move on.

 

A colleague at work has the following saying about forgiveness taped to her desk.  The author is unknown but every time I read it I stop and think about what it means and commit to bringing the spirit of forgiveness into my life.

Here's the saying:

"Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

It is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you.

When you embrace forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy."

Peace!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is a day Americans set aside to gather with family, friends or both, bow our heads and give thanks for the blessings God has given us.

 

It is wonderful to have the day off from work and I am busy this morning making my part of the Thanksgiving dinner: homemade mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.  Because these two dishes are so important to the classic Thanksgiving dinner, I take a lot of care in preparing them and enjoy watching people gobble them up.

 

I started making homemade cranberry sauce years ago after I was served this particular cranberry sauce (recipe below) at someone else's house.  It's delicious and easy to make and gets better the longer it sits.  I loved it right away because I was brought up on canned cranberry sauce.  We were a family of eight and we usually had at least three or four other relatives join us for Thanskgiving dinner so we went for what was quick and easy.  The cranberry sauce I knew jiggled on our plates.

 

We would open the cans of cranberry sauce and then it would come out in the same round shape like the can including the indentations on the side.  Next we would cut it the cranberry jelly into slices and then take a slice and lay it on a plate and push a cookie cutter in the middle of it to make a holiday shape such as a turkey or a star.

Those were the days!

My son and I will be with part of my family today and I am very blessed with a loving family, great friends, good health and a solid job.  I am also blessed to have the best readers who follow my blog and always keep me moving forward towards a healing place.

Who could ask for more?  Well, I could ask for more, but I won't. 

May your Thanksgiving Day be full of family, friends, food and fortune!  Happy Thanksgiving!


Cranberry Orange Sauce

1 12 oz bag of fresh cranberries
1 orange
Sugar to taste

Wash the cranberries, then put them into the food processor until they are chopped up to the size you like.  Put the chopped cranberries into a bowl.  Next cut the orange into relatively small pieces.  Remove the seeds.  Then put the oranges, rind and all, into the food processor until it is the consistency you like.  Pour that into the cranberries and mix together.  Next I usually add a half cup of sugar and then mix everything together.  Let it sit for at least 15 minutes before serving.

A Cartful of Gratitude

Photo Courtesy of Williams Sonoma

Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you and to give thanks continuously.  And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include
all things in your gratitude.

                                                    ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just like most Americans, I went to the grocery store this weekend to buy food to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner.

 

The store was crowded and the shelves were stocked with all of the things that I buy at this particular time of year: pumpkin, cream cheese, spices, nuts and cranberries.  Depending on the aisle I was in, I could tell people were carefully searching for certain ingredients for recipes traditionally served in their family every year.

 

For some people, it is just not Thanksgiving unless that particular dish is served.

 

In my family, it is the stuffing.  My siblings and I only want the stuffing that we had when we were growing up.  My sister-in-law is wonderful and she is very accomodating because she serves our family's stuffing along with a cornbread stuffing and also an oyster stuffing.  People in my family are pretty direct about what they want while walking through the buffet line and always ask when looking at the various stuffings (just to make sure): "Um, which one of these is our stuffing?"

 

It cracks me up because to us, and I know this is true for other families, Thanksgiving is all about the same food you have always eaten on Thanksgiving.  It is not a day to try out new food.

 

But if Thanksgiving is about Tradition, it is also about Gratitude.

 

As I shopped in the grocery store, I thought about how lucky I was to load my cart up with what I needed to serve for Thanksgiving and that when I pushed my cart to the check-out line, I knew that I would be able to pay for it.

 

Suppose I couldn't?  Suppose I couldn't afford what I needed and could only buy the minimum amount of food?  Suppose I couldn't afford any food and my Thanksgiving was at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter?

 

Unfortunately, we fall into a common and bad habit of thinking about what we don't have, what is going wrong in our life or what is in our way to making progress.  Instead of thinking about what we don't have, I suggest we flip our thinking and focus on the positives in our lives and be thankful for the wonderful gifts that surround us.

 

Life cannot be truly rich without gratitude.

 

It may sound like a small thing but as I placed my items on the conveyer belt at the grocery store, I was truly grateful that I could buy food to feed myself and my loved ones and that I had a car and a home for shelter.  I take these things for granted when I never should.

 

Being thankful is counting your blessings and this week when I bow my head to give thanks to God for the food and the people in my life, I will have much to be thankful for.

Happy, Feliz, Joyeux,

Photo By Carla Culbertson Cranston

 

If only we could live our lives just as these two beautiful children are!

Spontaneously and happily!

But here's the thing: WE CAN!!!

Surpringly, we have more control over our happiness than you would think.

Current research shows that part of our happiness is determined by our temperament or personality.  Many people believe our personalities are locked in from birth because it comes from our DNA.  That's great if you have a bright, sunny personality.  But if you have a sour, negative personality, and you want to be happier, there is are some things that you can do to change.

 

This research also shows that another part of our happiness is determined by our active point of view of the world, our neighborhood, our jobs and the people within all those places.  How we think about all those different places; in other words, our outlook, is either on the positive side or the negative side.  But we do have control over how we see things and what we think about all that.

Focusing on the positive can determine our chances for feeling happy about life on Planet Earth.

 

I'm not trying to say that everything should be viewed as full of goodness and sweetness and light.  That's not realistic.   

 

For sure negative things will happen to us and when they do we can absorb the crisis and look at it directly and honestly.  I have dealt with the death of my husband and raising a child by myself. It's not easy but I dealt with it by taking baby steps and believing that things would eventually get better.

No one can control what happens to us but we can control the way we react.  If there is a life crisis, you can be mad, you can vent, you can cry, but in the end you have to find a healing place within yourself where you can feel some peace and happiness.

I was skeptical when I first read this following story about cultivating happiness that was posted on a website called Purpose Fairy (www.purposefairy.com).  But after reading it and really thinking about it, I think it's empowering.  Take from it what you need and use the different steps that you need to help you jump start a fresh point of view:

12 Scientifically Proven Steps To Happiness

Here are the 12 scientifically proven steps to happiness discussed by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book – “The How of Happiness”.  Sonja is a Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside and her work which at one point also focused on the possibility of permanently increasing happiness, has received a great deal on attention from TV stations, radio stations, magazines and newspapers all over the world.

1. EXPRESS GRATITUDE

The life you are now living, express your gratitude for it, the mistakes you made in the past and all the lessons you’ve learned, express your gratitude for them. Look for the good in your life and appreciate it.

The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get. ~ Oprah

2. CULTIVATE OPTIMISM

Expect the best from life and you will receive the very best. Life doesn’t care whether you are a pessimist or an optimist, whether you focus on the good or the bad, whether you expect the worse or the best from life. Life will treat you exactly the way you expect to be treated and if that’s the case then you should definitely start cultivating your optimism.

The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose. – Kahlil Gibran

3. AVOID OVER-THINKING AND SOCIAL COMPARISON

Our lives and where we are right now are the result of all the thoughts we had since birth up until now. If you don’t like something, see if you can change it but if you can’t change it, don’t stress about it and just let it go. Change your attitude towards life and life will change its attitude towards you. Look for ways to be better than you used to be and not better than anyone else. Spend your time and energy improving yourself and your life and you will no longer feel the need to compete and compare yourself with others.

Stop thinking, and end your problems. What difference between yes and no? What difference between success and failure? Must you value what others value, avoid what others avoid? How ridiculous! ~Lao Tzu

4. PRACTICE ACTS OF KINDNESS

Be kind to others and to yourself and you will be happy.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama

5. NURTURE SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS

Go out and meet new people, socialize, get interested in what others are doing and they will automatically get interested in what you are also doing.

6. DEVELOP STRATEGIES FOR COPING

Work on developing strategies for coping by observing your thoughts and playing with your mind. Be the lab scientist and not the rat.

There are times in everyone’s life when something constructive is born out of adversity… when things seem so bad that you’ve got to grab your fate by the shoulders and shake it. ~Anon

7. LEARN TO FORGIVE

Learn to forgive yourself and those people who might have hurt you in the past. The moment you forgive, you free yourself from pain and you allow happiness to enter your life once again.

 

Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.” Wayne Dyer

8. INCREASE FLOW EXPERIENCES

Work with your unique gifts and talents, work with your passions, manage your weaknesses but cultivate your strengths and by doing so you will increase the flow experiences and become more happy.

Everyone has unique gifts and talents. What you love is what you’re gifted at. To be completely happy, to live a completely fulfilled life, you have to do what you love. ~Barbara Sher

9. SAVOR LIFE’S JOY

Look at the Sun, look at the trees, look at the beauty of nature, beauty of life and savor it all.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault

10. COMMIT TO YOUR GOALS

If you want to be happy, you have to have goals. Know what is it that you want from life, ask for it and trust that in the end you will receive it. Make sure you set all kinds of goals, personal goals, career goals, adventure goals, contribution goals and by doing so you will have a sense of direction, security and trust into your life.

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things. ~Albert Einstein

11. PRACTICE RELIGION/ SPIRITUALITY

Religion/spirituality makes people feel safe and secure, it gives them strength when in danger and faith when in doubt. There is an invisible force that created us all and this force is watching over us. By knowing this you become a lot happier and at peace due to the fact that you feel you are not alone.

The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge. ~Einstein

12. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. ~Jim Rohn

Your body is your temple and the way you feel internally will reflect externally. Exercise whenever possible, make sure you drink plenty of water- water is life, and eat as healthy as possible.

Good for the body is the work of the body, good for the soul the work of the soul, and good for either the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau

Simple Summer Pleasures

In yesterday's post, I wrote about being grateful for being able to take taking time off this summer.

That got me thinking about other things that make summer wonderful.  Here are a simple pleasures that I look forward to:

1.  Summer Heat

I know I am in the minority on this one but I love it when it's hot.  I think I'm safe in saying that most people do not like the summer heat in Washington, DC.  BUT I LOVE IT!  If the temperature drops below 70 degrees, I need a sweater or a shawl or a jacket of some sort.  Weather forecasters are predicting that it may reach up in the high 90's this week.  I can't wait!

2.  Blueberries

Every time I go to the grocery store or the farmer's market and I see fresh blueberries, I have to buy some, even if I already have a container at home.  Blueberries are just THE BEST!!  Blueberries are a gift I give myself to help maintain a healthy body and mind.  They are loaded with antioxidants!  Study after study shows that antioxidants -- disease-fightings that occur naturally in bbueberries and many other foods --has that boost the immune system.  They also reduce the risk of health problems -- particularly heart disease and cancer.

3.  Longer Days

Spring forward is right! I love being able to come out of my office building after work and the sun is still shining and the evening is in front you!  Longer days are energizing for me.  You can get so much stuff done.  Neighbors are sitting on their porches when I arrive home from work and I can walk over to their houses to chat and catch up on the latest happenings.  I can work in the yard or I can still go for a walk or a run because the day is longer.  It is a real downer in the winter to leave work, go outside and it's already nighttime. 

4.  Flip Flops

They're easy, breezy and the perfect shoe for summer.  Slide your foot into the flip flop and you're ready to go!  Your feet can breathe instead of being stuffed into a boot or other winter shoe all day long when it's cold.  For work, I like flip flops that are higher because they provide more of a pillow for your feet.  Plus, they make a fun sound!

Summer's Journey

Usually by this time of the year, I have committed to the dates for taking a vacation with my son.  But this year is different.

Now that my son has graduated from college and started his new paying job (love to be able to say paying job), we both are pretty sure that the rest of the summer will be different from other summers.  Since he isn't living at home and his job requires him to work on Saturdays, it's a pretty good bet that our usual August vacation isn't going to happen.

But we are trying hard to make some variation of past vacations happen this year.  So right now there is a lot of negotiation going on about the when and where and that's okay.  Every family reaches this fork in the road when their children don't spend the whole vacation or any vacation time with them and it's not the end of the world.  I knew this day would arrive, I just didn't think about it very much.

For me, it is one more step in building a life that is different from the one that I had when my husband was alive.  Vacations were automatic.  Setting up our annual vacation followed the same timetable every year and it fell into a comfortable pattern.

Now, once again, endings become beginnings and I am learning the value of moving on and doing something different.  It's part of rebuilding your life and when you face it positively, good and unexpected things can happen.

I do believe there is a certain rhythm to life and that certain changes present themselves at certain times.  Life doesn't happen the way we always want it to happen to us but that's life.  It's the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter in which I think staying flexible and having faith is key.

It can be a bit of a tricky place but trying to take one day at a time has always served me well.

Right now, vacation is my priority.  I need a vacation and we'll figure this out.  I don't want to vacate (as in vay-kay, road trip) by myself but I definitely want some time with others at the beach.  It's possible that my son may be able join me for a few days but not the whole week.   Between my wonderful son and my great friends,  I will figure out a some well needed time off from work.

I also remind myself that I am lucky to be able to take a vacation and I am grateful to be in a position to take some time off and relax among people I love.  As Greg Anderson, the founder and president of the American Wellness Project, says, social wellness means more than simply belonging.  It means getting along with others. . . and cultivating caring, supportive relationships. 
   

Are we there yet?

Gratitude

In her best-selling book Simple Abundance, author Sarah Ban Breathnach recommends spending a few minutes each morning and evening listing five things for which you are grateful.  Once a day is good enough for me but at the end of a particularly great or horrendous day you might want to think again about some of the unexpected things that happened to you.

Focusing on the positive aspects of life is what's it's all about.  After a week that started with me taking my son back to college for his senior year in New York City, then an unprecedented 5.8 earthquake in Washington, DC and now the arrival of Hurricane Irene this weekend, I find that I am immediately grateful for many things because I am just trying to go with life's flow of events and remain calm about whatever the future brings.

Here's today's list:

1. Good Health -- a great gift

2. My son -- a very special gift

3.  My job -- an essential gift

4.  My house -- a basic gift

5.  My friends & family -- an emotional gift

What's on your list?