Christmas in NYC

My son and I took a quick trip to New York City this past weekend, continuing a family tradition started in his childhood.  New York City is magical to us and especially so at Christmas time.

 

Yes, there are a lots of people in the city, especially around Rockefeller Center where the huge Christmas tree in all its glory is displayed, but to us it is worth the effort of manevering in and out of the crowds and then suddenly being able to break through and look up and see the thousands of dazzling lights covering the infamous Christmas tree of New York City.

 

It was rather warm for December this past weekend and also rainy and drizzly but we loved it just the same as any other year when it has sometimes been so cold that I lost the feeling in my fingertips and couldn't work the camera.

My son and I

My husband and I started taking our son to see the Christmas tree when he was about five years old.  We would sometimes stay with friends and see as many sights as we could with a toddler and it was always a fun holiday ritual take we included in our family plans for many years.  Then when my husband died, we weren't sure we wanted to go.  We talked about it many times and then other family members decided to join us and lovingly support us that year and we all met in the city.

Looking back on that painful time, I am really glad we did not break the New York Christmas tree tradition.  It has been bittersweet for me for so many years but the tradition is also something that my son just absolutely loves and looks forward to.

It took me a long time to figure this out but essentially when my life changed so much from the loss of a loved one, I needed to find a way to deal with the pain and try to also find some way to heal and move forward so I wasn't stuck in an endless loop of grieving.  I thought that by moving forward I would be leaving the memories of my husband/my son's father behind me as I took steps to rebuild my life.

But I'm not leaving or saying good-bye to those memories and that special time.  I think what I really am doing is healing from bringing those memories with me and then creating new memories as my son and I experience the same family traditions.

How could I ever really forget those memories?  I can't.  Now I let them be with me but also try to make sure those memories don't stop me or hold me back from what I want to do today. 

My picture above may not be the best so here is a short YouTube video featuring this year's lighting of the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center so you can experience the magic of the tree for yourself:

A State of Grace

Thought For The Day. . .

“I do not understand the mystery of grace --

only that it meets us where we are

and does not leave us where it found us.”

 

                                             - Anne Lamott

Happy Birthday to My Irish Twin

 

Happy Birthday Sheila!

 

Today is my sister Sheila's birthday so for the next month we will be the same age.

 

How can we be the same age for a month?

 

We are Irish twins.

 

I was born in January and she was born in December of the same year.  Busy parents, yes?  Irish twins are defined as a pair of siblings born within 12 to 16 months of each other. When we were young children, our mother would dress us alike as though we were twins and we have lots of pictures from holidays in the same dresses and coats.  I must say that my sister Sheila is better at pulling herself together, even as a child, so she usually looked better in her outfits.

 

I think the term "Irish twins" came to be because the majority of Irish are Catholic and the Catholic Church doesn't support the practice of birth control even though it does support the practice of the "rhythm method."  I come from a family of six children (I am the oldest) and during my childhood a family of six or more children was not unusual.

 

If you aren't familiar with the "rhythm method," here's an old joke that should tell you a lot about its effectiveness:  Do you know what they call people who practice the rhythm method?

 

Parents! Ba Dump Bump.

 

Anyway, back to my sister.  We have had our ups and downs, as most sisters do, but we have a lot of great memories from our childhood and as adults, getting married and raising our children.  Having a sister so close in age means that we were always together; especially when my mother would take us shopping.

 

One time when we about 4 or 5 years old, we were shopping with our mother and we started playing hide and seek behind the rounds of clothes.  Our mother must have been really been preoccupied with something else because usually she would blow a gasket if we got away from her.

 

We were small enough to stand behind the coats and we thought no one could see us.  We must of played this game for only a few minutes when I thought we were lost in the store.  Our mother was only one aisle over from us but I couldn't see her.  I think I sat on the floor and started to cry and then I told my sister Sheila that we were in big trouble because we lost our mother.  I completely fell apart.

 

What happened next was a complete role reversal in our relationship and something that made me feel closer to her: Sheila stayed calm and comforted me and told me that everything would be all right, that we would find our mother and I shouldn't cry.

 

And she was right.  Our mother says she knew where we were the whole time and she was keeping an eye on us and thought it was funny.

 

Lots of love and Happy Birthday to my Irish twin sister Sheila!

 

Here's to making many more great memories together!!

 

Take Care

Vick's: A Quick Home Remedy

I am fighting a cold and a cough.  I thought it was a 24-hour thing but it has lasted longer than I expected.  I probably caught it from someone in my office because lately there are a lot of sneezers and coughers around me.

 

This is not the time of the year to feel sick.  I have been constantly washing my hands to prevent picking up germies but obviously this wasn't enough.  I haven't started my Christmas shopping; I have ideas but haven't yet gone online to find the particular gifts I have in mind.  Plus, the work pace has stepped up because people are trying to wrap things up before the end of the year.

 

I need energy and positive thoughts.

 

What to do?

 

Number one on my list is Vick's VapoRub.  It is mentholated and contains eucalyptus and the combination of the two ingredients is magical.  You might remember this from your childhood.  It comes in a little blue jar and you can find it at any drugstore.  Last night I could not breath through my nose at all and my son reminded me that I used to give him Vick's when he was little and he was stuffed up.  Presto!  After a few applications, I can breath again and my cough is getting a little better.

 

After that, the only tried and true things I can suggest are: hot tea (with honey, if you like), lots of fluids such as juices and soups, soft tissues (there are some that have Vick's in them) and rest, rest, and more rest.

 

I went to bed early, slept through the night (thank you Vick's) and I am glad that I did because I know my body needs all the energy it can get to fight this bugger.

 

Be careful out there and please take care of youself!

 

Good luck!

Melissa's Story

 

Melissa Betrand Knights (baseball cap) with her children

 

After a loved one dies, we try to find ways to stay connected to them even though they are no longer physically with us.

 

Our memories of being with that person or just of the person by themselves is a strong tie that can never be broken.  Sometimes we save a piece of clothing they wore or some everyday item that brings great meaning to us.  Being in a particular place, smelling a scent or hearing a song can bring those strong memories back to us without any notice but sometimes that is not enough.

 

We want to honor the deceased person and what their lives meant to us.  We can't control loss in our lives but we can create memorials that enable our loved ones to live on in our hearts and help us to heal and move forward.

 

Memorials can include something as big and as public as an annual award, a large charitable donation in the deceased person's name or a webpage or website set up in the person's name.  If that doesn't feel appropriate, a memorial can also be something small and personal such as a garden or a special scrapbook.

Or you could organize a walk/run event to honor, remember and support those in your community who have been touched by cancer.

This is what the Knights and Kaderli families of upstate New York have been doing for 24 years since a member of each of their families lost their fight with cancer.  The families organize their communities every year and raise money to give to families who are having financial problems while a loved one undergoes cancer treatment.

The following essay is beautifully written by Melissa Knights Betrand and was recently published in her local newspaper, The Daily News of Buffalo, NY.  Melissa is the sister of a colleague of mine, Aaron Knights, and I wanted to share their inspirational efforts to highlight how two families, in the midst of tragedy, found a positive and powerful way to remember their loved ones who had battled and sadly lost to the demon disease of cancer.

Here is Melissa's story:

 

Essay: Cancer fundraiser continues to inspire

By Melissa Knights Bertrand | Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 3:30 am 
      

I could see the gray light of dawn peek through my bedroom shades as I lie awake listening to the skies open up and give way to steady rain. I knew the day would be beautiful, though. Logistically, rain might change the turnout a bit, but the gathering would still be perfect. It was Oct. 6 and, as if on cue, my daily tear-off calendar read “Bring people together.” That was exactly the plan for the day, just as it had been on the first Saturday of October for 23 years.

Oct. 6 marked the 24th anniversary of the Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Walk/Run. A day when two families, together with the community, unite to walk/run the gorgeous country roads of Orleans County to honor, support and remember those whose lives have been touched by cancer. It is a day of smiles and stories, familiar faces and fun. All the money raised this day is given to financially burdened cancer patients who reside within the county.

The Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Memorial Fund was founded in memory of my dad, who lost his battle with cancer when he was only 38 years old, and the mother of our dear friends, the Kaderli Family. Our collective loss has driven us to carry out the mission of providing financial assistance to those struggling to make ends meet while undergoing cancer treatment. This charity continues to grow beyond our expectations and seems to have taken on a life of its own; with numerous third-party fundraisers hosted by families we have had the humble privilege of helping over the years.

Each year, I look forward to this day like no other and am touched beyond words when I hear stories of the ripple effects our assistance has had on so many lives. It strikes me as I look out over the crowd, that none of us knows the day-to-day struggles we each endure. Suffering, in many different forms, surrounds us every day. On this day though, we all feel a little more supported and connected to each other as we gather for the greater good. There is something magically healing about that. Perhaps this is our real mission. Wouldn’t all of our lives be that much better if we slowed down each day and made the smallest effort to connect in this same way?

This work has ignited a passion in me that has spilled over into nearly everything I do, not the least of which is my mothering. As much as it breaks my heart that my children will never know what a hilarious, beautiful soul their grandfather was, I love that this is how they know him. To them, this is his legacy. They are aware of the compassion and hope our charity provides and witness the relief and support it lends to those who need it. There is no way I could teach them these things with words, they must be experienced to be fully understood. For this, I am so grateful and fortunate.

After setting up the evening before our event, my daughter asked from the back seat, “Mommy, if your dad was alive would we still do this?” I paused, then replied quietly, “Probably not.” At that moment, for the first time ever, I wondered not what life would be like if my dad had lived, but how the lives of so many would be different if it were not for his death and the blessings the Richard Knights – Sue Kaderli Memorial Fund has brought to us all. Maybe this is what peace feels like after tragedy, when goodness and grace transcend grief and sorrow, though I’m still not sure. What I do know is that our mission has helped fill the hole left behind by tremendous loss, given immeasurably back to our families and, most importantly, allowed those living with cancer the chance to focus on getting well.

In her book “The Happiness Project,” author Gretchen Rubin writes “we expect heroic virtue to look flashy, but ordinary life is full of opportunities for worthy, if inconspicuous, virtue.” What a joy it is to be surrounded by virtue and the heroes of this amazing small community!

 

 

 

Widows Fighting For Their Homes

Protect Your Property

 

Every woman needs to read this New York Times story (see link below).

 

Whether you are 18 or 81-years-old, single, married or widowed, every woman needs to know the financial facts about owning her own home.  Don't think that someone is going to go out of their way to explain it to you.  Find out about home ownership for yourself in order to protect yourself and the biggest investment of your life -- your home.

 

When my husband died, both of our names were on the mortgage.  I was lucky but I could easily have been one of these women in the New York Times story.  My husband had been ill and in and out of hospitals for about two and a half years before he died.  I remember a particularly poignant memory when my husband ended up in the emergency room and the doctors thought he was going to die that day.  One of the doctors asked me in a tone I will never forget if I had power of attorney.  I didn't.  I had never thought about it.

 

Really.

But I quickly got a lawyer to give it to me.

 

It was from that day forward that I saw I needed to be proactive about our property and finances.  I was working full-time and made sure from that time forward that I could pay the mortgage.  I felt very alone in that time and particularly vulnerable because I felt the financial weight as well as the responsibility for my husband and young son.

I knew I could pay the mortgage but that also was a lot of stress to handle.  Sadly, I know a few women who had to sell their houses after their husbands' deaths and it is not a pretty process.

 

It's already hard enough when you have to deal with the emotional minefield of grieving but to then find yourself in the throes of fighting to keep a roof over your head is just incomprehensible.  I remember the surreal and out-of-body feeling of planning my husband's funeral, trying to take care of our child and having no enthusiasm or energy to do any of it.  I can't imagine to then be expected to put all that turmoil aside and then focus on proving that the house I have been living in is legally mine.

 

I'm not sure why two people would buy a house and list only one person's name on the morgage but apparently this happens all the time and now we are finding out that the so-called gap in paperwork is creating a crisis for widowed women who are in their fifties and older.

 

If you have a mortgage, please make sure you are listed on it with your husband or partner.  Unfortunately, mortgage companies take a "business is business" attitude and don't let feelings of compassion or sympathy enter into their decisions about home foreclosures.

 

Here is the compelling New York Times story:

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/02/business/widows-pushed-into-foreclosure-by-mortgage-fine-print.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20121202&_r=0

Holiday Kindness

New York City Police Officer Helps Homeless Man

Since everything can feel exaggerated during the holidays, doing one kind act can affect change and make a difference in someone else's life.  Many times when I pass a homeless person on the street, especially if it's a woman, I think, "There but for the grace of God go I." 

If I can, I give money or food.  But the story below about the actions of a New York City police officer shows there is the opportunity to go further.  So many times we read or hear about the negative side of life; the violence and disrespect towards each other.

And then someone jumps out and performs a simple act of human kindness.

This story is what the holiday spirit is all about and it challenges me and, perhaps you, to do one kind thing for someone else this holiday season.  Just one.  I donate clothes and canned goods but I can do more.

Maybe it's a smile you give to a co-worker you don't like or maybe you call a friend or a relative you haven't spoken to in a long time.  Maybe you rake a neighbor's leaves or maybe you bring a meal to someone who has just lost a loved one.

It's up to you.  Your kind act probably won't go viral as this one did, but you gave of yourself and helped another person and that's also what life is all about.

NYPD officer's act of kindness goes viral on Facebook

Published November 29, 2012

FoxNews.com

 

NEW YORK – An NYPD officer's act of kindness has gone viral on Facebook.

Jennifer Foster, a Florence, Ariz., tourist, posted a photograph of the officer giving a homeless man a pair of boots and socks on a frigid night in Times Square on Nov. 17.

"'I have these size 12 boots for you, they are all-weather. Let's put them on and take care of you,"' Foster quoted DePrimo as saying to the homeless man. "The officer squatted down on the ground and proceeded to put socks and the new boots on this man. The officer expected NOTHING in return and did not know I was watching."

The image became an instant hit on the NYPD's Facebook page. More than 308,861 users "liked" his generosity as of Thursday morning.

Newsday identified him as Larry DePrimo of Holbrook, Long Island. He's assigned to the 6th Precinct in Manhattan.

The homeless man said he'd never had a pair of shoes. DePrimo purchased a pair of insulated boots and thermal socks and put them on the man's feet.

DePrimo said the man "smiled from ear to ear. It was like you gave him a million dollars."

He told The New York Times that "it was freezing out and you could see the blisters on the man’s feet. I had two pairs of socks and I was still cold.” He learned the man's shoe size was 12.

The police officer went into a nearby Sketchers shoe store and the manager offered him his employees' discount, which brought the price of the boots from $100 to $75, the paper reported.

"Most of us are New Yorkers and we just kind of pass by that kind of thing," Jose Cano, 28, a manager at the store, told the Times. "Especially in this neighborhood."