A Changed Life

Aging.  Knowing that it's happening to all of us is not very consoling.  I see the effects of the years of living on myself, especially when someone takes a picture of me.  I definitely don't like it and I wonder how I arrived at middle age so quickly.

 

I know that sounds so cliché but it's true.  I see those grey hairs working their way out of my scalp and for now those bad boys get dyed.  I also see lines starting to form on my face in places where I don't want them but I don't hate them so much that I would get botox injections or go under the knife.  Too scary.

 

As my mother says, "Every year is just a little more maintenance, and then a little more and then suddenly it takes you an hour to do what it used to take you ten minutes to do."  Okay Mom.  I am working to accept it for I know it's inevitable. 

 

That said, I do try to take care of myself and work hard to stay in shape and minimize the effects of the sun and other bad health decisions on my body; particularly my skin.  My personal theory about getting older is that it's all about your physical and mental energy: walking with a purpose, thinking good thoughts and approaching each day with a certain amount of zest!

 

I'm thinking of this subject today because a friend emailed me a recent interview NPR did with British author Penelope Lively (love her last name!) about her new book, Dancing Fish and Ammonites, a book that 81-year-old Lively says is about her "view from old age," a place I don't think about much because it once seemed to be a place so far, far away.

British author Penelope Lively

In particular in the interview, Lively talks about how it felt like to adjust to the unfortunate death of her husband, Jack, at 69-years old from cancer and her keen observations on how women and men adapt differently to going on with life after the death of a spouse.

Lively also notes that she is part of a new demographic in the Western world: for the first time, there's a large segment of the population over 80 and she notes that the effects of the additional time and attention it takes to care for such a large population of older people on the rest of society are yet to be seen.

Here, for all to read, and also listen to if you wish, is the link to Lively's NPR interview and pages from her insightful book:

http://www.npr.org/2014/03/17/290855933/author-penelope-lively-shares-the-view-from-old-age

Commiting To Heal

When committing yourself to begin healing, you are taking an important step.  You are in effect looking around yourself and saying that today's situation isn't working well for you and you are choosing to change.

I have found that it's a decision that can make you feel two contradictory emotions at the same time. On the one hand, you are feeling brave to decide to open yourself up to change but on the other hand, the act of opening yourself up to something new is scary and nerve wracking because it's unpredictable.

 

We all react differently to the loss of a loved one or a trauma in our lives.  It's okay.  You are in new territory but you aren't alone.

Isn't it funny how you can feel strong and scared in the same moment?  But you can't allow that push-pull moment to overtake you and possibly stop you.  If you think about change too much, then it might slow you down.  It's much more important to keep the momentum going; to keep moving forward.

Simplifying can be the way to go when big things in your life are about to change it up. 

Tell yourself that just for today you will not be afraid.

You will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, what makes you laugh, what brings you peaceful feelings.

As you give to the world, so will the world give back to you.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

If it's March, it must be that time of year again when everything green is up for grabs and my family is never embarrassed to wear as much of it as possible.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all and I'm sure you're planning to do it up proud!

My large and boisterous family gathered yesterday before the snow hit the Washington, DC area to celebrate our Irish ancestry and all the stops were pulled out for a grand time.   

 

So in the tradition of my Celtic tribe, it was an afternoon of irreverent jokes and imitations, lots of food and drink and unspoken but deeply felt connections from heart to heart.

My niece, Kathleen, and her husband, Ryan

 

Clydes' Tower Oaks

 

 

Me and My Dad



Baby Steps

Ugh.  I feel as though I have been stuck in a lot of life's drama lately and it is distracting me.

 

Big drama has been happening to me on all fronts of my life and I just thought I would let you wonderful readers know the reason why I haven't been able to post on my blog as much as I would like.  Not that you are hanging on to every word I ever post but I thought it would be nice of me to give an explanation for cutting back lately.

 

I can't and don't think it would be fair to talk about all the nuances of the Big D that is overtaking my life but I have faith that some parts of it will be short lived.  Sometimes I think that life's problems will resolve themselves if I give it enough time to unscramble but I am finding that a hard part of healing can be the times when you have to roll up your sleeves and confront the situation yourself.

Until then, I remind myself to take baby steps, for baby steps will get me where I need to go.

Peace.

Not To Worry

Why is it that I think that worrying about something will affect the circumstances of the thing I'm  worrying about?

 

It's as though the more I worry about it, the more I think I can push the situation to go the way I want.

My siblings and I talk a lot about worrying and why we worry.  Like A LOT.  As in a couple of times a week.

It's a good thing I come from a family of six children so we can rotate our calls to each other and no one ends up being burnt out from the constant chatter of one person over and over.  What do we worry about?  Besides our children, most of whom are now young adults and tell us not to worry about them, we worry about our wonderful parents who are in their eighties.  We all live within a hour or two of where my parents live and only out of love do we wonder if they need more of our help.

To say that my parents are independent and free spirited is an understatement but that is also what makes them so charming and so resistant to our offers of help.  I'm sure your family is much the same as ours where aging and illness are issues that are now at the top of the worry list.  It's a bit of a  juggling act trying to know when to offer assistance and when to leave it alone and let it work itself out.

Lots of people say that worry is a waste and I suppose that's true but it doesn't feel that way when you are actively worrying about people you care about.

Worry Beads

Usually worry starts with my thoughts and then as I start thinking about a situation, I unfortunately let myself get ahead to something that hasn't happened yet and maybe it won't ever happen but I still think to myself "What if that happens?"  Do you do this too?  Or am I in a class by myself?

When my thought process starts going round and round, stuck on a thought, I find I have to apply the mental brakes on myself and distract myself with some other activity.  If I don't stop thinking about the "what if's", then the worrying will affect my mood; as in getting a very intense headache.

At that moment I realize the negative effects of worrying: all that thinking, all that concern, all that energy focused on a certain situation, doesn't change whether it will happen.  Not one little bit.  In the meantime, I've made myself a an awful wreck.  Not. good. at. all.

Just as the repetition of handling the beads on a string of worry beads can be calming and healing so does saying positive affirmations to yourself.  Affirmations can help guide you to inner peace.  Sometimes I say; "Worry is a waste." "Worry is a waste." and other times I repeat "Resist worry. Resist Fear."  or "I am safe."

Most of the time my affirmations go a long way to making me feel better about whatever is going on and when they don't I know I can always grab my trusty phone and know that an understanding sibling is just a call away!

Dorothy Flies Over Kansas

If I live to be 92 years young, I hope I am as adventurous and free spirited as Dorothy Ellis! 

 

She is fearless!

Dorothy was in hospice care when she told her family that she wanted to fly over her home in Kansas in a powered parachute that she had watched many times in the open sky as she gazed from her window.

Her family and her hospice nurse put their worries about her age and her health aside and to their credit they made Dorothy's wish come true!  I love her reaction at the end of the flight!  Sadly, she died six weeks after flying in her parachute machine but think of the great time she had up there in the bright blue sky. 

Here's the inspiring video her family shot watching her fly on a beautiful sunny day in Kansas!  I first saw this video on the Facebook page of JT Morriss & Son and I'm so happy they shared it with all of us.

So today let's all follow Dorothy and go for broke:

Lea Michele & Cory Monteith

Songs are touchstones; expressions of personal thoughts, emotions or memories.  An outpouring of experiences.  Songs can transport and inspire and also energize.  Songs can also help the writer and the listener process emotions of loss or grief.

 

Actress and singer Lea Michele had been working on her new album, Louder, many months before the tragic and sudden death of her boyfriend, actor Cory Monteith, who died from a toxic mixture of heroin and alcohol.  Michele and Monteith also connected professionally, playing high school sweethearts on Fox's award winning series, Glee.

With the recent release of Louder, Michele is giving candid interviews about Monteith and she recently recounted that Monteith had privately listened to and critiqued many of her new songs and he sent her notes about his thoughts on the album as she continued recording.

 

Naturally, Michelle's work on Louder stopped after Monteith's death on July 13, 2013.  While mourning the loss of Monteith, Michele searched for songs to add to the album that would reflect her feelings of spinning out of control and songs that might explain to others the depth of what it felt like to be without Monteith, how much she loved him, and how scared she was to go on without him.

 

She found a song titled Cannonball; a song she said she plays over and over because it helps her feel emotionally stronger and hopeful about the direction of her future.  "Grief is a scary thing," Michele says.  Yes, it is Michele, very scary and that's why it's so great that you are talking about it.  Sadly, we don't truly know how scary it is until it happens to us.  You are brave to share your feelings and thoughts, letting others know that they are not alone in their grief journeys.  I am so sorry for the pain of your loss. 

 

Below is the story TV Guide recently published about Michele, her new album and tragedy of Monteith's battle with his addictions.

 

Lea Michele

Lea Michele: "Grief Is a Scary Thing"

Mar 6, 2014 10:08 AM ET
by Liz Raftery
TV Guide
Lea Michele says writing and recording her new album Louder helped her overcome her grief after losing her boyfriend Cory Monteith last summer.

"I had this experience happen to me [and] decided to write about it," the Glee star tells the Los Angeles Times. "That's what felt organic."

Monteith, Michele's Glee co-star and boyfriend of four years, died in July from a toxic combination of heroin and alcohol.

The album's first single, "Cannonball," is about new beginnings. Michele recalls hearing the song for the first time:  I just literally keeled over because grief is a very scary thing, and there comes a point where it can really take you down," she says. "['Cannonball'] lifted me up. It was what I needed to get through my difficult situation."

Rather than avoid the topic, Michele decided to address Monteith's death head-on on the record, which was released Tuesday. "A lot of people don't know how to touch this situation. It's like walking on eggshells," Michele says. "I felt 'Cannonball' ... puts it all out there. It's like this is really hard, we're not denying that it's hard. We're gonna get through it."

Another track, "If You Say So," which Michele co-wrote with Sia Furler, is a reflection on the last conversation she had with Monteith. "It's something beautiful that came at a very difficult time," Michele says of her record. "If I've learned anything from this past year is that you have one life. ... You have to love as hard as you can love and live as hard as you can live because we just have one life. I feel like Louder really expresses that."